Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

I hadn't seen him in a week or two and F(uck) B(uddy) had apparently missed me. He took me to see The Omen last night, which was surprisingly good. It was packed being opening day 06.06.06, and we had to sit on the floor in the back corner, which was actually pretty awesome. 06.06.06. Woo. Scary. Well maybe it would have been if the fucking redneck crowd hadn't started laughing at all the suspenseful parts. Retards. But the good news is that I am most definately not FB's inadvertant girlfriend. Sigh of relief. But he's still good in bed. Bigger sigh of relief.

I am applying for a job today. It's probably in the bag. I found out that Riverside Chevron (bear with me) across the street from Freebirds pays much more than my old shitty and stressful job and offers full medical coverage. Yeah. You see I know all the peeps that work there, as that is MY Chevron station. I mentioned to them that I should get a job there and they got seriously crunk at the thought. They told me it was so easy and the bosses were cool and they'd love for me to work there 'cause I was cool too. Haha! Well that was enough for me. No job can be bad if you like your co-workers. And of course I'm totally overqualified to be a clerk at the damn convenience store, when just last year I was preparing invoices to and building instrumentation for Chevron Petrochem. But thats what's fun about my life right now. And girls just wanna have fun, right?

Speaking of, FB doesn't know about Ethan, whom I will now refer to as my 20-year old. Is it wrong that I'm fucking these guys and I just don't care about them?? Or am I just having sex "like a man" as they say? Carrie Bradshaw got upset when someone mentioned that she must think that men are expendable. Sometimes I wonder if that's how I feel. Or if that's what I'd rather think, after having my heart broken, then damn near destroyed. And then the infamous one wanted to chat with me for no reason, most recently. In the stead of feeling the great sentiment of the love we once shared like I did the first time we spoke, I felt the anger rise in my stomach and to my throat and it came out in a storm onto my keyboard. Where was the love then?? Sometimes I still have it, sometimes I'm bursting with it. But not in the bedroom. Not with FB. Not with my 20-year old. Not anymore? And it's depressing. On the floor beside my desk, I have an accordion file full of research for my first novel, about (what else?) that love. I can only look away from it in disgust, because I can't feel that anymore. Can I? I don't know if I can't or if I just won't let myself. More and more I am understanding that it is the latter complicating things. The only thing I have to fear is fear itself, to quote that most tenacious of American Presidents. It keeps me in bed. On the couch. Behind the screen. It kept me doing the drugs. Staying with him. Going to prison. And why? For what? I grow tired of the street cred and the battle scars and the war stories. Yet I stack them up. Oh but I lied. I do know exactly why:
For This.
For You.
For Me.

I don't wanna be afraid anymore.

So I am feeling growing pains. You know, those pains in your legs, in your gut, in your heart. It wants to grow. It's bursting to grow. But my mind is holding it back. The habits of childhood are hardest to break. I feel like I know what I have to do, but I just can't. Like I don't have the strength to. There is some mysterious wall in front of me. A lovely, however tragic, wall. I have been running into it and falling down all of my life. Now I have no choice but to climb it. Except that I have the fear in my heart. I don't know that I will make it over. I don't know that I really want to make it over. When I fall asleep at night I have nothing to dream about. Oh there are dreams. But they are blank. They are vague. They are something more like a feeling. A feeling I think I missed somewhere down that crooked path I ended up following. But I passed that sobriety test. Now this is the only part of myself I have left to conquer. And I must prepare for war.

There ain't nothing like regret to remind you you're alive...

Jam for the Day: The Game Needed Me by Minus The Bear