You Taught Me Everything About APoisoned Apple

They say be careful what you wish for. I finally have the life I've always wanted and now I don't have the private time I'd gotten so used to nor do I have the time to write nor really even think about what I would write, although I see things I wonder about all the time. I even bought some fucking books to read and I don't even have time for them! (Those would be: Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Naht Hahn and A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, by the way.)
I went to a great party last weekend thrown by Emilie, a kindred spirit of mine, in which I knew almost everyone. I feel so established here in Austin, I know in my very soul that this is where I ultimately belong. After my travels and international love affairs, of course. But I digress. There were many people from Freebirds there. Remember that amazing night I spent with Jesse? He was there with his virgin girlfriend. Of course I acted cool; how could I not? I mean it's me for god's sake. But all kidding aside, that was simply frivolous birthday debauchery. That was months ago, I mean really. But at the party, when I innocently asked him where I could find the beer, he totally avoided looking me in the eyes. And you can bet I was paying good attention. All the while I'm remembering that the last time I'd seen him when I was working like a week beforehand he'd grabbed my ass, however subtly, as he walked by--and without even saying a fuckin word! And now he suddenly can't look me in the eyes to answer a simple question?! I don't understand guys. Lost all respect then and there. Why does he have to be so damned hot though? But that's how they always are. I've resigned myself to that I'm afraid. They make you think they're worth something, that they have something to give, then they can't/don't/won't deliver. Whatever. Story of my life. I'm over that. Yes, I'm lonely. Whatever. I've been lonely most of my life. I'm no stranger to it, as I laugh in the face of loneliness on a daily basis, however bitterly. Fuck it. I just don't have time for a man I can't fucking respect. Not anymore. And most definately not ever again. I'd fucking rather be Alone. I have the best friends a girl could ask for presently, and I'm simply overwhelmed with gratefulness at the turn my life and my very self have taken in the past year. The cool part is that I am still Blush. And I know I always will be. But I am like, Version 2.0 or something. There is more, there is less, there is different, and there is indifferent. (It makes me devastatingly curious about what may happen next...) Although apparently sometimes it can be quite overwhelming to people, as it to myself sometimes as well. I mean, I understand better than anybody. It only sucks that sometimes I would rather certain people simply be whelmed with me or something similar. Yes, whelmed. Or something similar. You know what I mean. No, you probably don't. You win some, you lose some. Right? Whatever.
All Apologies.
Happy Birthday to Dean Simon, and of course, mi hermana Daniella.
Did you know I was bilingual? Me niether. Pero hablo Español en todos dias a mi trabajo nuevo. Although it's been years since I was thisclose to fluency, I thought I had lost it. It really is like riding a bicicleta.
I love my new job. Words cannot describe how happy I am there. It's been quite accurately described to me as "the Cheers of gas stations."
My favorite bar, Ego's, which is next door to The Station and across from Freebirds even, plays drunken Jeopardy (with Alex Trebek) every weekday with the television at five o'clock, which happens to be right after I get off work. Rock On. Jeopardy just happens to be my favorite fuckin game and I've been playing along since I was knee high to a June Bug. (That's East Texan for small child.) I can't wait to go in there and whoop some barfly ass.
Oh yeah.
Last night Meagan, Samantha, and I all drank glasses of Riesling and smoked fancy cigarettes and read each others' poetry and art. Meagan delved into profundity when she wrote:
"the result of apathy, in everyone, is addiction"
I was stricken. Wow.
I once fancied myself a poet but gave it up long ago and have considered it an embarrassment ever since. But I felt so comfortable in their presence, I gave in. It's been published, so I guess I don't have anything to really be ashamed of. It was nice. A very intimate night indeed. They seemed to really like it, and I'm inspired to share a bit with you tonight.
This is for all the people out there with so much to say and no one to really say it to--
Shoes
Too much revealed...
Learn to keep it sealed
I thought open was a good thing
But now I know it's nothing
I give away too much of myself,
Try and try though I begin to melt
Melting away at my very core
Just can't do it anymore
Day after day
I regret the words I say...
Silence is golden
I must learn to hold
Back; and hide my personality
I'll live in an alternate state of reality
Staring blankly, hiding fear
I dare not even shed a tear
Silence is broken as is the night
I run away from the terrible fright
Of being myself; Could I be someone new?
No, I doubt I'd fit those shoes.

Jam for the Day: Drain You by Nirvana