I tried not to do this, but I'm taking a cue from Dirk the Feeble and not letting my sense of marketing get in the way of my emotion and artistry. I am crying. Real tears. And I don't know why. Yes I do. I just don't know why now. I was fine a moment ago. I was at the grocery store buying granny smith apples. And then it hit me when I got home to my beautiful, but empty, house. I am so lonely. I have nothing to live for, save Dinah. I work two shitty jobs and all I've ever been is a disappointment to everyone I ever cared about. Joey told me all about his new life. The girl hes got now sounds like the girl I should have been for him. I was very happy for him, because he deserves it. I suppose that's why I am alone now. Because that's what I deserve. It just hurts so much because I am finally capable of being that woman that I always wanted to be. I am so close. But it's like it's too late or something. I fucked up, and nobody cares what I do anymore, for good or ill. I write this shit, and ya'll read it, but nobody cares. I work my ass off for everything I have, but nobody cares. I try to play things off like I don't care either but the truth is I care so much I just go numb. Because I had to. I had to get by somehow. And I suppose that's still the case today. I have to pretend that I don't care about this, or about that, or about you. Supposedly I only care about myself. That is the most untrue statement I've ever made. I didn't mean to lie, I just thought I could convince myself that I didn't need anyone else. But I was lying, and I knew I was lying...I just hoped that if I could make myself believe that I didn't care, it would come true. I thought if I could make myself believe that no man would ever want me, then it would be easier to deal with when it happened. I thought if I could make myself believe I was ugly, I wouldn't be so disappointed when I wasn't as pretty as the other girls. Because I will never be any of those things, but my fucking spirit just won't seem to let me quit trying. I wish I could just quit. I don't want this anymore. I want purpose, I want love, I want companionship. I also want to give these things to you.But I won't be holding my breath.
5 comments:
I don't think it's a bad thing when people are honest about how they feel...
(and I went on from here and then sounded too long-winded and blah-buh-blah so I'll save the rest for an email)
For what it's worth, I care! :)
I'm a bit younger than you, and male, so I don't suppose I could really say that I know where you are. But I did feel something similar to what you're describing at one time. One long time. And it did eventually pass. I can't say my patience was rewarded, because I was by no means patient. But since I had no choice but to wait, I waited.
Oh come on now. It will get better! It's gotten better already. It will continue to do so. Loneliness sucks! Yes it does. You fucked up, you know that. Bathing in it isn't going to help things. Things will get better! They have been getting better and they will continue to get better. Jobs will get better, money will get better, relationships will get better, you will get better. You will be happy. Look at this as the road to that.
Do not stay in your house. Go out. Take walks. Go to museums. Sit in the park and watch people. You have so many opportunities right now. Take adventage of them.
It's Spring - when hope grows eternal!
:)
thanks yall.
:)
youre not the first person to have that idea by the way...it is very soothing.
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