Thanks to everyone for their lovely comments. Each one of you is so unique and I love you all uniquely. I have been having a rough couple of days lately, due mostly to my thinking too much. At least that's what we'll call it. Basically, I am dissatisfied with my position in life. I make burritos for a living. Although the creepy flirtation I have going on with one of the kitchen boys makes the burritos a little more interesting. I have less than 50% of what most of my peers have. This is a difficult realization. It will be very hard to catch up. It will be very hard indeed. And I am all alone. This scares me the most, though I don't know why because for the most part I am very independent. I guess I just need someone to hold my hand sometimes. Is that co-dependent? Or is that just romantic? I can never tell. But I won't get that. Don't ask me how I know--I just do. I just have to play through the pain. I often wonder if this is all leading somewhere. You know what I mean? I feel like I have no purpose, no ultimate plan. And being alone, I have a hard time caring about a plan, because what fun is a plan if there's no one to share it with? Really I think all my inner turmoil is brewing from the part of me that wants to hate myself versus the growing part of me that is falling in love with myself. I think I am having some kind of backlash from years of self-loathing, because now when I catch me loving myself, the old demons fight back even harder to ensure than I self-destruct. This may be incoherent psycho-babble, but I guess the only answer in my self-made condundrum is that I will have to be tough. I have been tough before, and I'll be tough again. All these things haven't killed me yet, so I guess I must be stronger than I think I am. At least that's what I'm supposed to say, right?
Jam for the Day: Good Times, Bad Times by Led Zeppelin
2 comments:
Its all just experience. You go through crap and it makes you really value the good times. You have to have both to really understand and appreciate the other.
Life is one big learning experience. Sometimes its hard, but those lessons are usually the most worthwhile.
You'll get through it and you'll be an even better blush on the other side!
Bx
To sum it up: It's ok, Blush. You'll live through this. I understand and you are normal.
Wow - so much to absorb. Plans - they change. Goals, now, they don't change. Over the next few years, figure out what you want from life.
I understand what you are feeling and going through - it's normal. And it's really cool that you have enough clue to understand what is going on inside yourself.
Um, on the 'peers' thing - FUCK THEM. :-)
Pardon the shouting and language, but that's the way it is. You are not in a race with them, you are not in competition with them. The only person who matters to you is, well, YOU. You have half of what they do? Big Deal. You have ALL of what you have.
Just as a ferinstance, I know of someone who dropped out of college, took jobs delivering pizza and digging holes. Now, about 12 years later, he's got 'tha shit' - car,house, pride, toys, sweet job, and most importatnly, a strong belief in himself.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, about being disastisfied - GOOD. You won't excel, succeed, grow or change if you aren't dissatisfied. You want to be proud? Make the best dang burritos you can. Serve the customer as if they were the only customer in the world. Own your job. And, while you are doing that, keep looking for something better, more suited to your talents.
What happens in life is totally out of your control. What you can control is your reaction to what happens. You can control your attitude.
But, where ever you are working, treat it like you own the company.
Oh, by the way, that "I'm all alone" thing? That's wallowing. Self Pity. Quit it. It doesn't help after a point. Be glad you are alone - you have no one to hold you back. You want someone to talk with? Hold a lottery among the visitors to your blog.
Anyway, I'm starting to sound like some kind of preacher, and that slot is already taken on this blog.
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