Spent On Rainy Days

Well I found out Blake has a girlfriend. Figures.
I think it's just fate trying to tell me something...

So concert season has finally arrived.
Spoon this week,
Of Montreal the next,
The Strokes and Nine Inch Nails in March...
Fucking aye. This is gonna be great.

Have you ever sat on your hand until it went numb and then given yourself a hand job? It's called "the stranger." Get it?

I think I'll print it in the personals that I'm looking for a match
Someone to light me up
Someone to burn the proof of the things that I've done
Each day there's hours
I skip like a stone
I just crawl in a bag
I wanna live my life like somebody's shadow

Jam for the Day: Let the Distance Bring us Together by Bright Eyes with Britt Daniels

You Gotta Keep Em Separated

Weekends kick my ass. I mean for real. Why can't I just have a week full of Thursdays? Then I'd never be this tired...

So on Friday I got paid and was going to the ATM. I was standing at the bus stop, and a friend from work pulls up in front of me and is like, get in. I'm like, whoa! I'm still not so used to running into people I know. I have this idea in my head that I have no friends and that nobody likes me. I consciously know this is retarded, but it's like, written in my heart or something. I am still trying to erase it. Anyway, I get in the car and bam, I have a ride to the ATM, so things are already sweet. He was on his way to Freebirds to get my number for a mutual friend and coworker, Emilie, who is actually the girl that had the party where I drank the Everclear a couple of months ago. Apparently, she was having a party and really wanted me to come because I'm so cool. I'm glad someone notices. And Emilie is a girl after my own heart. She writes, she paints, she's cute as a fucking button...she reminds me of me in my younger, less jaded days. It's refreshing. Anyway, it's kinda early so I'm just hanging out with Bryce until the party starts. We go over to his friend's house. As soon as I walk in the door, this guy is like, falling all over himself just talking to me. I'm flattered but instantly annoyed. Anyway, he's kinda funny, kinda cute. He's younger than me...I don't mind him so much. But he is after me something serious. So we all go to the party and I drink too much Lone Star beer and Gin and cranberry juice, in the wrong order. I spend the first half of the party listening out of the corner of my ear for that guy to introduce himself to someone because I couldn't remember his name. It's not that I forgot it either. It's like, I never gave a shit. But I could see where this was going, and if I didn't know his name by the end of the night, it would be my folly. So I finally find out it's Ethan, which I find funny because he's Hispanic. Which was such a turn on to me, but I just can't go there. He reminded me of two too many other guys I've been with, major ones. But I guess it was the libation; I couldn't help but flirt with him. I was regretting it later. Meanwhile, Emilie and I are dancing around the room to Bright Eyes. I sit down to rest and talk to Ethan and she's dancing with some guy now...all of a sudden, she runs over to us and surprises me with the sweetest kiss on the lips. It wasn't sexual at all; it was one of the nicest things that has happened to me in years. I think we are going to be great friends. So I'm leaving the party, and of course this guy Ethan is on his shit. He hasn't been drinking. It was absolutely no surprise that he was going to kiss me. So I went ahead with it. I mean he did tell me how pretty I was all night long. It was nothing spectacular. But I shouldn't have because now he thinks I like him. This is why I try to stay home...

In other news, I think I might have a crush on a REAL guy for the first time in years. There is this guy, Blake, that works in the kitchen. He is just...I mean his hair, his music, his laugh...he's got gentle eyes. And he's older than me. Honestly I'm not too keen on kitchen boys...but I think I could roll with this guy. Or maybe he could roll with me. But don't get the idea that this REAL infatuation is any more healthy than my IMAGINARY ones...I'm afraid I like him because he reminds me of a great love lost. Except he doesn't like Led Zeppelin. And I don't want anyone to remind me of Him. I think I'm too afraid to go for it anyway. What if it's too real?? Can I handle that?

We will see...

Jam for the Day: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel

I am so dumb. I mean really retarded. I am so retarded, I hit my knee on the same corner of the coffee table every other day. I am so retarded, I flushed a bottle of perfume down the toilet. I am so retarded, I spent my last 5 bucks to see a show. I am so retarded, the bank won't even let me have a debit card. I am so retarded, I chose what I thought was love over a sure-thing marriage proposal. I am so retarded, I thought I could fix him. I am so retarded, I chose drugs, and ultimately prison, over a bachelor's degree and a career. I am so retarded, I let him call the shots. I am so retarded, I am in love with a man that lives only in my imagination. I am so retarded, I try to make him real. I am so retarded, I actually think I can make it work. I am so dumb.

But at least I'm free. Of all the bullshit.

Jam for the Day: Pretty Hate Machine (in it's entirety) by Nine Inch Nails

The Heart Beats In It's Cage

Man I am bored. When I used to be bored I would do drugs, or write, or paint...now all it seems I can do is sit around and wait for the time to pass. I hope it is just because of stress. Moving is the biggest hassle. I actually wish I was at work. I spent 45 minutes teaching grandpa how to double click his mouse today. It was frustrating, but I really like helping people. When someone can actually connect, they are so fuckin happy, it's really satisfying. I like it when the people learn something from me. I want to be a teacher when I grow up...
So I am upset because I've got nothing to say. I thought I would be able to come up with at least some brilliant shit while doing this blog-thing, but I don't know. I must confess, sometimes I don't even do my best. Sometimes I am just pissing on ya'lls legs. Sometimes it is more of a 'fuck you' to everyone out there who might think I suck. Because sometimes I don't care. There is nothing left to suck. When The Strokes go on tour it is so on. Might have to make a trip to San Antonio for that one. But I need a car. Mainly because I want to drive out to the country and see the wildflowers. You can smell them in the air on the back of a motorcycle in springtime. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever known, like a scene from my childhood.
I want to climb a tree.
I want to take a picture.
I want to write a sonnet.
I want to break out in dance.
When will it come to me?? It's only a matter of time. What did they used to say Inside?? Don't let the time do you...
Right.
My friend Ricky is going to teach me how to play guitar. That's right Tina, I already have a bass guitar. It is beautiful and red and has a sticker that says I *heart* Dorks on it. I just never found time in my busy rock'n'rollin schedule to actually learn to play it. Maybe I'll join a band. Maybe I'll start a band. Maybe I'll be famous. But is the world ready for Blush? Is Blush ready for the world? I doubt it.

Jam for the Day: Nothing To Say by The Strokes

You Can't Handle The Truth

So yesterday I was talking to the girl I work with that went to high school with my ex. She said that after I told her all that, she actually ran into him on the street. She said hello, but when she mentioned my name, she said he just made a face and looked down and walked away without saying anything. Awesome. The very mention of my name strikes fear and pain into the hearts of men. That's exactly what I was going for. I need to move away from Texas.

In other news, Jesse kissed me on the cheek yesterday. If he would have followed me to the bathroom, it would have been on. Too bad it was a totally inappropriate time. What is wrong with a girl who gets a kiss on the cheek and is ready to fuck?? Am I really that starved for affection? Good god...

Peppermint Chap-Stick is the shizzle.

Jam for the Day: Orange Crush by R.E.M.

It's all happening

Man so much has been going on lately. I started my new job. It is excellent. Friday was my first day to take calls. I was setting up new dial-up connections for Alltel and Centurytel customers. You gotta figure that anybody who is hooking up a dial-up connection these days who needs to call tech support to do it are either retards, bumpkins, or grannies. I had a couple grannies, they were so sweet! I have always really enjoyed working on computers so needless to say I had a great time. I don't technically become a Level 1 until after the first, but I'm still getting paid regular wages these two weeks. So I trekked through Travis Heights today to check out an apartment I found in the guide that had free cable. It is just perfect. I'm putting the deposit down with my first paycheck. Then I will be moved in by the end of the month. I will have a lot of work to do between now and then. I fear I will be stressed out. We will see.

On Wednesday, I went into work feeling kinda perturbed. And I had to close too. (I still roll burritos by night. I like the people there too much.) I was talking with one of my coworkers about how weird it is when someone you know just randomly walks into the store. And about five minutes after said conversation, I look up to see one of my childhood friends, Rob. I hadn't seen this motherfucker in 6 years, as he went to school at Ole Miss. He was like, Blush, dude, what have you been doing?! And I was like, I've been in jail! When I said that I thought nobody was behind me, but alas, I was wrong. My coworkers heard me, and I had inadvertantly outed myself at work. Not that it's a big deal, but it's a story I tire of telling. Anyway I took a break and talked to Rob and apparently he lives two buildings down from me. Wow. Small world. So then I go back to work and tell the story and guess what, one of them went to high school with my ex. I have never been so embarrassed. But she really warmed up to me after that, it was weird and cool. And there is this guy, Jesse, that works in the kitchen, and we have this creepy flirtation going on. I don't necessarily find him attractive, but every time he talks to me I get the butterflies and can hardly talk to him. It's pretty fun. Anyway, I was feeling so crazy after all that happened, I just went up to him and hugged him, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. It was really nice. I just needed a hug.

Then last night I went to this show across the street at my favorite bar Ego's. It was this chick band Echoset. They were actually really badass. Think The Donna's but rougher. And these girls could play. The lead singer reminded me of Chrissie Hynde with a little Alanis Morisette on the side. She looked like she was as hardcore as I used to be. And I admire that.
http://www.echoset.com/home.html

He would never talk
But he was not shy
She was a street-smart girl
But she could not lie
Oh they were perfect for each other
Say it now
Cause in your heart it's loud...

Jams for the Day: Razorblade by The Strokes and Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations

Smoke Me, Cause I'm Dope

Wham. Bam. Thank you ma'am. So I got a second job. I am training to do tech support for all kinds of isp's. Yes, tech support has been outsourced. So next time you're on the phone about your internet connection and you give them all your information and you think they are sitting in a building downtown trying to fix your shit, realize that is me and I don't know you and I don't care about you or your redneck town or your deceiving isp or your shitty 486 running Windows 98. Now how may I help you?

So now I am busy getting my mind ready to move into my OWN PLACE for the first time in years now. February 1st is a big day for me. I get my first paycheck from Telenetwork and I'm putting a deposit down on an apartment. It is also the first anniversary of my freedom. So it's taken me a year to go from absolutely nothing to getting my own place. On my own too. Not too shabby. Booya!

Eminem and Kim got remarried. The Artist and his Muse reunited. Love really does conquer all, even a "Rot In Pieces" tattoo. I guess it's best for Hailie...
It's really a nice sentiment if you think about it.

Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper is the Nectar of the Gods.

Okay, I'm tapped out.

I'll protect you from the night
It will never fall
I'll protect you from the truth
You won't hear it at all...

Shoutout to my Lufkin Homies that secretly lurk on what I hear is a daily basis.

Jam for the Day: Hold Onto Me by Courtney Love

Ode To Futility

When I rang your doorbell so many months ago, you invited me in with a warm smile and a gracious handclasp. You were thrilled at my presence but then you did something strange. Or rather, it was what you didn't do that I thought strange. After chatting at the door, you took my coat and made your way to the couch, but you never asked me to sit. And you never offered me coffee. So I am just standing here. Waiting...
Once I got comfortable enough to come to you on my own and sit, but you didn't even notice. I sheepishly stood back up and took my place on the carpet. Tired of standing around like a fool, I foolishly danced around the room, desperate for your attention. I thought I saw you raise your eyebrow, but I could never be sure.
You were always glued to the screen.
So now my feet hurt, my back aches, and I've grown bored of standing. And resentful. I must bid you adieu, good gentleman. I could have loved you, but not without coffee. You understand; a lady must keep her dignity.

But I can't leave without my coat.

Deep In The Heart Of Texas

Day 2. I am living off of DayQuil and 800mg Motrin. Thank god my roomate has a pain management problem. I peeled myself out of bed this morning knowing where this is heading. After work, I will come home in a cold sweat and try to drink some Pepto Bismol and instead, throw it up. I will then collapse onto the bed, eyes squeezed shut, and proceed to suck every bit of oxygen out of the room . As soon as this is done, I will feel better, sit on the couch, and smoke a cigarette. Then it will start all over again. It has become more apparent to me, on a daily basis, that if I am ever going to feel better, I am going to have to make some major changes in my life. Does someone out there have a 9th grade health book? I wasn't paying attention back then. Back then it didn't matter. Self-destruction was like a bunny and I was a racehorse. And in the end I took it pretty much to the limit. (When I go out, I go all the way out. Heh. Call me Secretariat.) Since then, I have made many lifestyle changes, but I think that I have damaged myself. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I can't deny it anymore because it's not going away this time. I just wish I had someone to do it with me to make it fun. I have terrible self-discipline when I'm left to my own devices. I tend to drink in the evenings. I probably shouldn't do that either. I really do want to be healthy though! It's just like, I don't know how to or something. I know that is stupid but really! Well that and I am so goddamned lazy. Last night I was just so miserable though. I was so miserable that my chest was sobbing and I just wanted to cry because I really did feel that bad. But I couldn't. And it hurt worse. The night before I had no problem crying over a friend's heartbreaking news. I just can't do it for myself though. Why do I care so much more for other people than I do myself?? Why do I hurt myself?? Where is everybody when I need to be taken care of?? It's a good thing, not crying, I guess; but it just hurts so much more than it did back when I could cry. And believe me, I could cry back in the day, heh. Now I just get pissed. Very healthy.

So much has changed. So much is changing. So much will change.

No one will ever understand me. I can't expect them to...I don't even understand me. This is why I must be alone. I don't know that it would work any other way...

Jam for the Day: Daydream Believer by The Monkees

Kick Ass

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"We saved the world...I say we have to party."

What Superheroine Are You?

I only wish the picture was of Kristy Swanson...

A Brand New Colony (This is what I want)

I'll be the grapes fermented
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentleman
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day
I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes...
I'll be your winter coat, buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch cold
I want to take you far
From the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free
From the tethers of this scene
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change
We'll give ourselves new names
Identities erased
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet
In this brand new colony
Everything will change
Everything will change

The Postal Service

It's Only Rock N Roll But I Like It

So the verdict is in...the new Strokes album First Impressions of Earth is awesome. Better lyrics than the last two; interesting melodies, great guitar work. There are even moments reminiscent to The Doors and The Velvet Underground. And I could listen to Julian Casablancas' sexy mumble any day...

In other rock n roll news, I got my ticket to the Spoon concert here in Austin in February. Spoon is Austin's favorite local band, well maybe next to The Toadies. They are reminiscent of The Strokes but with more funk and less synth. I can't wait. I live for this kind of shit.

An Eight-Ball Wasn't Love

Danielle and I were wondering about a disturbing trend we've noticed lately...what is it with cute guys with ugly or slutty or bitchy girlfriends? Why don't they get a clue and sway our way? We fucking rock.

And I forgot to tell ya'll the funniest story from my visit to Dallas. Danielle and I were standing outside the downtown Dallas bus station, smoking a cigarette. This super-hot guy walks by and we are both checking him out; hard. He stops, comes back, and asks in the sexiest European accent if he can borrow my lighter. I say sure and hand it to him and he pulls out this really skinny cigar...it looked hand-rolled, and in my experience, those are usually filled with ...marijuana. And he asked me if I smoked. I was so confused because I was just certain that this guy was not about to just light up a spliff on the street in public like that and since I was holding a cigarette and obviously smoking, I say "yessss..." Just then, a security guard taps the guy on the shoulder, and addressing all three of us, advises that we cannot smoke out here, we must go around to the backside of the building. When I saw the guy's face when this happened I knew instantly that yes it was indeed a blunt, however tiny. But the security guard was talking about the cigarettes. So, in a flurry of yessir's, we scurried around the corner of the building to freak out over the trouble we all could have just gotten in, which was craziest for us girls because we had no idea what was going on and it all happened so fast. We were both ready to be like, I've never seen this guy in my life; he just asked me for a lighter, heh. So the three of us get around the corner and are all like, Oh Man! Holy Shit! I Can't Believe That! And we notice...this guy has suddenly lost his "accent." I don't think many Europeans use the term Dude. He was faking it to try to holler at us! It backfired, to say the least. Now that's fuckin funny.

I was walking downtown tonight, like I sometimes do, and it is laundry day so I was wearing my bohemian but a bit low-cut blouse and then my favorite underwashed jeans and leather boots. I was walking across the bridge, rocking some Spoon, and then I got to do one of my most favorite things...eye-flirting, or as Danielle so graciously and succinctly put it, eye-fucking. This guy was hot too. He never stopped looking at me and I never stopped walking. I was bold enough to look him in the eyes, but demure enough to look away a couple of times before coyly smiling as we passed. It was an eye-gasm. I then crossed the bridge into downtown and here comes a man walking out of one of the larger buildings and he stops in front of me to cross the street. He was perfect; I fell in love. His 3/4 length coat, his leather-bound notebook, his just out of college backpack, the way his pants fell onto his leather shoes. He was so fucking cute. The curls at the ends of his sexy, barely-there shag bounced as he walked across the street in front of me. It drove me wild. I followed him, breathlessly, all the way down to Sixth Street. On occasion he would glance backwards as people sometimes do, but I lowered my head and hid behind my hair. I couldn't let him see me. All of a sudden, the thing that had warranted much-craved attention was the very thing that made me feel like a whore, and I couldn't let him see me like that. I was ashamed, I fell further behind him and watched him swagger into the bank across the street from mine. I watched him through the window until he got onto the elevator. He never saw me, I made sure of that. But I loved him. And I would have loved him right there on the street if he'd have allowed it. But he'll never know such things. I think it's better that way.

Jam for the Day: Possum Kingdom by The Toadies

I am the short one

Sexy in the City

Year's End Revelry

Partied Out in 2006

We jammed The Postal Service, The Killers, and The Faint to ring in the new year, and it fucking rocked.

No Scrubs

I have a job interview today at 4 o'clock at a place called Telenetwork, where my roomate works. It should be in the bag. I am not looking forward to it so much because that's not the industry I want to be in necessarily. Either way, I gotta make that scratch. Because scratch makes the world go round...or is it snatch? I forget. Wish me luck and money! And snatch!

Jam for Right Now: Money by Pink Floyd

With A Bang

So Danielle had a New Year's Eve party at her new flat in downtown Dallas. And when I say downtown, I mean downtown on Commerce Street, like right by the Adolphus Hotel (if any of ya'll know where that is.) Anyway it was pimp. The building was beautiful--art deco--and was the original Dallas Power & Light building back in the 1930's. Also within the building is a trendy restaurant and bar called Fuse. There is an upstairs bar on the second floor, which is the floor Danielle lives on. Her porch is walled in, but there are two rolling gates, and if you open the gates and walk out, you are in the club. Bam, just like that. It is a bachelorette pad if there ever was one. And perfect for a party on New Year's Eve. I must say that I have not had that much fun in a helluva long time. The party was fabulous. As co-hostess, I looked smashing in a low cut black and mesh dress and my highest heels, which I was regretting later while walking barefoot on the streets of downtown. When the party really got started, Danielle and I did our "Carrie and Samantha" (from Sex and the City) lap through the club outside. We were turning heads, I kid you not. We even got introduced to this "big shot" but he looked shady so we ducked out of that one and back to the house. But not without lifting party favors from the club for everyone at our party. They had all these promotional tee-shirts for different liquors like Absolut, and hats and horns and all that jazz. Danielle has this klepto streak and I followed suit, so when we got back to our party we were heroes with party favors for everyone. We kick ass.
The party was even cooler because we made "My Name Is" nametags for everyone with ironic, and in some cases, hilarious nicknames on them. I, of course, was Blush. (Danielle wanted mine to be "X.N. Mate." Get it? I said no fucking way.Heh.) It has been a lifelong dream of mine to go out into "the real world" as my alter ego, and while Danielle and I were in the club, guys were actually calling me Blush because that's what my nametag said. It was a dorky dream come true. Haha!
Since Danielle and I both like guys who live far away from us, we had decided that we were just going to kiss each other at midnight, but when it finally came around we were nowhere to be found, and both went without for the new year. I'm sure we'll make up for it by next new year's eve though...
After the big moment, the party of course started to die down, so all of us girls ran down to City Tavern where we impressed the hell out of these guys from Atlanta with our pool-playing and air-guitar prowess. We also have a friend who just had breast implants put in. Maybe that helped. One was so seduced that he caught back up with us at McDonald's down the street. Running. He just had to see us again and reiterate that we were the coolest chicks in Texas. We graciously agreed and sent him on his way. Sweet, but a little crazy.

The next day I woke up on the couch feeling alive again.

Dallas definately gets my seal of approval. Pics tomorrow (hopefully.)

Muchas gracias a mi chica Daniella para la fiesta prima del año nuevo y el bolso muy fabuloso. Te amo, mija.

...hey Blush, Joan Jett called; she wants her hair cut back...

Oh Six

I know this is a little bit late but I've been a little bit busy partying balls in Dallas. Danielle had a party, and it was fucking bomb-ass shit. There is nothing I enjoy more than a rockin party. And New Year's Eve is my favorite. I will tell you all about it tomorrow--I just got home and am too tired to tell the whole story, plus I've got to figure out how to post the pics since my computer is uncooperative. I have never made New Year's Resolutions before, but I did manage to come up with some during my December 31st bout of marathon champagne drinking...

1. Start actually writing my first novel, Funeral Song
2. Stop smoking on a daily basis
3. Get into shape
4. Learn and practice cooking
5. Start painting again

Now that I've written them down, I guess I have to follow through...shit.

All I really want this year is a kindred spirit I can call at 2am when I am lonely and can't sleep.

That's all.

Jam for the Day: A Brand New Colony by The Postal Service