Deep In The Heart Of Texas

Day 2. I am living off of DayQuil and 800mg Motrin. Thank god my roomate has a pain management problem. I peeled myself out of bed this morning knowing where this is heading. After work, I will come home in a cold sweat and try to drink some Pepto Bismol and instead, throw it up. I will then collapse onto the bed, eyes squeezed shut, and proceed to suck every bit of oxygen out of the room . As soon as this is done, I will feel better, sit on the couch, and smoke a cigarette. Then it will start all over again. It has become more apparent to me, on a daily basis, that if I am ever going to feel better, I am going to have to make some major changes in my life. Does someone out there have a 9th grade health book? I wasn't paying attention back then. Back then it didn't matter. Self-destruction was like a bunny and I was a racehorse. And in the end I took it pretty much to the limit. (When I go out, I go all the way out. Heh. Call me Secretariat.) Since then, I have made many lifestyle changes, but I think that I have damaged myself. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I can't deny it anymore because it's not going away this time. I just wish I had someone to do it with me to make it fun. I have terrible self-discipline when I'm left to my own devices. I tend to drink in the evenings. I probably shouldn't do that either. I really do want to be healthy though! It's just like, I don't know how to or something. I know that is stupid but really! Well that and I am so goddamned lazy. Last night I was just so miserable though. I was so miserable that my chest was sobbing and I just wanted to cry because I really did feel that bad. But I couldn't. And it hurt worse. The night before I had no problem crying over a friend's heartbreaking news. I just can't do it for myself though. Why do I care so much more for other people than I do myself?? Why do I hurt myself?? Where is everybody when I need to be taken care of?? It's a good thing, not crying, I guess; but it just hurts so much more than it did back when I could cry. And believe me, I could cry back in the day, heh. Now I just get pissed. Very healthy.

So much has changed. So much is changing. So much will change.

No one will ever understand me. I can't expect them to...I don't even understand me. This is why I must be alone. I don't know that it would work any other way...

Jam for the Day: Daydream Believer by The Monkees