When I Get What I Want I Never Want It Again

Oh man what have I done? I can't stop thinking about this thing with S. I reread my post from last night and it's not that we have so much in common but that we have one major thing in common and I don't know if that's what I want to have in common with the guy I'm with. Make sense? We did have a fun time though. But he's already called me twice today. I will feel bad if I blow him off but I really want to. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what I want. There is so much more to the story but I am afraid to tell it. I'm sure you've noticed me alluding to it before. One day I will tell. Probably soon. I'm afraid this is just the classic case of the grass being greener on the other side. I have been wanting a guy so bad, now that I've got one I'm over it. Also, I have a way of enchanting men and if they bite and fall too quickly I've conquered the situation and I'm over that too. Sucks.

And the talkin' leads to touchin'
And the touchin' leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

Jam for the Day: Violet by Hole

The Answer Is Yes

So the date was awesome. S and I have tons in common. He is a great kisser. There is much to be said for making out. That is something I've totally missed. And he listened to me babble. Another plus. Oh and he was such a gentleman... The only thing is he is totally not ideal. But we get along so well. Like...um...well... He's going to call me tomorrow. Do I jump like I used to or do I lay down the law? Should I just be aloof? I'm not sure what I want at this point... How do I play this? I am such a novice.

Did I Shave My Legs For This?

So I have a date tonight. I think it's safe to say that this is my first date ever. Don't misunderstand...I have had boyfriends and lovers but I have not had a "date." Until tonight. What I can't believe is that a guy actually called when he said he would. *rolls eyes* ...So how could I say no? Haha. Half of me is very nervous and half of me could give a shit. I don't get many chances to Kiss & Blog, but perhaps this time I will...

Jam for the Day: I Turn My Camera On by Spoon

I wanna write a love song

You know what sucks?? Losing your appetite over Thanksgiving. Yeah. And I have to do it again tomorrow in Houston. What's ironic is I will be hungry next week and won't have any food. Yeah.

So Danielle came and went. Sixth was dead for some reason so we just stayed up and talked all night. Then we shopped until we were at each other's throats the next two days...heheh. That tends to happen to girls...but we made up over Freebirds so it was all okay. Plus, we got some bomb-ass shit. After she left I was having trouble settling down, so I decided to check out the bar across the street, Ego's. It just so happens to be the most awesome hole-in-the-wall bar I've ever seen. Picturesque, even. Ideal. They have poetry slams on Wednesday nights for god's sake. It's a small crowd, mostly regulars, and I totally plan on becoming one of them.

I am home now for the first time since I moved to Austin. I was greeted at the door when I got home at midnight by my beloved cat, Dinah. Is it wrong that I've missed her more than anyone else in my family?? Well that's just the way it is. So today I found a tick on her and had to pull it out. It was thoroughly horrifying and I never, ever want to do it again. Dinah was very co-operative, as I had explained to her the situation (she is extremely smart and understands English) but it was way too hard to pull that little fucker out. I literally had to rip it out, fur and all. My poor baby! And then when I looked at it after I set it down on the toilet paper the sheer disgustingness of it's fat, leggy, insect body sent shivers down my spine and if I hadn't had to fix Dinah up with some hydrogen peroxide I would have run screaming out of the room, and probably the house. Since I didn't, I think that energy is trapped inside of me because I keep getting the heebie-jeebies now and then. But that might be because of what happens in the next paragraph...

My favorite day of every year is not Thanksgiving. It is in fact the day after. Today the Aggies played the Longhorns in the Lone Star Shoot-Out, the biggest rivalry in the state and one of the oldest in the country. The Aggies have not won in 5 years, and this hurts me. And if you have been following College Football, you know that this year is Texas's year. All the announcers could talk about pre-game was Mr. Fucking Heisman--Vince Young. Our star quarterback was hurt and could not play, so our starting qb was a true freshman, and had never started a game. And our defense is ranked dead last in the NCAA. Yeah. I didn't even want to see how bad they were going to beat us. But the fucking Aggies man, I swear. Those guys played a hell of a game today. At one point my hands were shaking and it was hard to catch my breath. It was one of those games that takes a couple years off of your life. Mr. Freshman Quarterback--Stephen McGee--had way better stats than Mr. Fucking Heisman and statistically, you would have thought that the Aggies whooped ass. Alas, no. That is sometimes how it goes. Although we lost, we played our fucking hearts out and probably fucked Mr. Heisman out of his big-time trophy. And look what happened to Ricky Williams after he didn't win his Heisman...eek. Maybe we didn't win today, but we did a damn good job, and that's fine by me. Either way, win or loss, I look forward to this day every year, and now that it's over (as is the Aggie football season, sadly) I guess I can start looking forward to next year. It's good to have something to look forward to.

And just to update everyone, the Nascar season is over and Jeff Gordon came in 11th place. That sounds shitty, but he still gets a million dollar bonus. Yeah. So start thinking of ways I can meet and seduce Jeff Gordon...

On Thanksgiving I went to College Station to my grandmother's house. It had been like 2 years since I had been there, and I didn't realize how much I missed everyone. I had a great time and drank great wine. So tomorrow I go to Houston to see my father's side of the family (and consequently my father) and I am a little nervous. When I left we were not on the best of terms, to say the least. I'm sure it will be fine, but family stresses me out. And that side of the family doesn't drink...

So I know I haven't written very much or very well lately. I am not sure whether to apologize or say you're welcome. Heh. I am just uninspired of late. I think it is due to my television to music ratio. I am hoping to remedy this by loading up my roomate's mp3 player with some of my current favorites. So here comes the inevitable blog-list of what I'm rocking out to these days...

Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect by The Decemberists
I Disappear by The Faint
Such Great Heights by The Postal Service
You And I Misbehaving by Tilly and the Wall
My Doorbell by The White Stripes
Hold Me Now by The Polyphonic Spree
Bron-Yr-Aur by Led Zeppelin
Mono by Courtney Love
Julian, I'm A Little Bit Older Than You by Courtney Love
Almost Golden by Courtney Love
Uncool by Courtney Love
Hold Onto Me by Courtney Love
Zeppelin Song by Courtney Love
Spent On Rainy Days by Bright Eyes
Loose Leaves by Bright Eyes
Messenger Bird's Song by Bright Eyes
Going For The Gold by Bright Eyes
Pull My Hair by Bright Eyes
It's My Life by No Doubt
Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp by Led Zeppelin
The Way We Get By by Spoon
My Slumbering Heart by Rilo Kiley
A Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley
Bessa by Tilly and the Wall
Since You Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Yeah.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for rock n roll. And Evian bottled water.

Jam for the Day: More Than A Feeling by Boston

Kissing the Lipless

Tonight I feel like going out and rubbing up against some drunk guys. I have this theory that men have only two emotions: pride and lust. No one can compete with that. This is what makes women evil.

Soul of a woman was
created
below...

Jam for the Day: Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin

I suck at blogging

So this afternoon is the start of a mini-vacation before Thanksgiving for me. I am busy cleaning the house for Danielle's arrival. But it's fun, I like cleaning. I should have at least a couple good stories by next week, so just hang on, I know I've been boring lately. I went to the bank to deposit my check today but now I'm going to do Direct Deposit so I won't have many reasons to go see the cutie at the bank. We had just gotten to be good acquaintances too. Luckily a rebate check came in the mail, so I'll be back there sooner than I thought. I might have to start making up reasons to go to the bank. Which is hard to do when you're as poor as I am, heh.

Untitled

So I am sick. The good news is that the medicine has worked really well. The other good news is that I have two days off work. The bad news is that it was an unexpected expense. And Danielle is coming into town this weekend. Oh my god I cannot wait. Commence the shopping! I cannot tell you how long I have waited for a weekend like this. We always have the most kick-ass time. I am hoping that her visit will give me the boost I need to face reality and the holidays and getting a second job and working on my resume.

No don't be fooled
Don't get lied to
Love was always cruel

I need some focus. I think if there was something that I really love that I could turn into a profession that is my only chance, because I hate working. Or at least something I could get into. As of right now I am not sure which path to tread as far as any training and/or education I would need to seek. If anyone has any cool ideas, please remit. Some doors are closed to me because I have a felony record (Gasp!) and that's why I need help thinking of something, and since ya'll basically read my diary, I thought I'd ask ya'll. It's about time ya'll started giving back...

Is anybody else watching The Colbert Report?? It's way better than The Daily Show. And that's saying quite a bit. Also, tonight I fell in love with this "mentalist" I saw on A&E they call Criss Angel. He's like a spiritualist-magician, and he is totally hot.

http://www.aetv.com/crissangel/

Tonight is the first freeze. It got cold like, yesterday and just didn't stop. One time someone told me it didn't get cold in Texas. Tell that to my hands. I left my gloves in Lufkin and really regret it. So winter is finally here. They already have some of the holiday shit up downtown. I was coming out of the pharmacy and I noticed a rose petal on the ground. It was bright pink and velvety. Someone had stepped on it. The edges were frayed. I thought it was beautiful. I held it in my hand on the way to the bank. When I walked back by the pharmacy I found another petal; then still another. I looked at them all radiant and scarred and loved them so much I put them in my pocket and carried them with me to the bus stop. I stroked them and felt their exquisite texture and imagined where they'd come from and who they were meant for. The wind picked up and I opened my hand and watched them blow out onto the sidewalk. And I smiled as I got into the bus. Sharing makes me happy.

The end of paralysis
I was a statuette
Now I'm drunk as hell
On a piano bench
And when I press the keys
It all gets reversed
The sound of lonliness
Makes me happier

Characterization

Have you ever thought about what character you'd be if you were in a movie? I mean who you'd be if someone had written a character based on you. Like, an existing character. Think about it...be honest! Well, I think I saw myself on Comedy Central yesterday. I think I would be Catherine Zeta-Jones' character "Charlie" in the movie High Fidelity. You know, that movie with John Cusack. Yeah, that's me. Number Three on the All-Time Worst Breakup List. And I don't know if it's good, bad, or indifferent
...but at least I was played by Catherine Zeta-Jones. I guess it's moot really. I am who I am and that's all I'll ever be.

Verse Chorus Verse

Jeff Gordon came in 3rd at Pheonix. Awesome. Next Sunday is the last race. I will definately miss my Nascar Sundays. I barely got out of bed yesterday. But today I had to work. So then I watched the race and it made me thoroughly happy. And by that I mean that it made me hot. I don't know why! It's so funny and weird...but I really can't help it! So it's tv tonight and work tomorrow and tv and work and tv and work. Blech. Street Musician called and I totally blew him off. It's time for something truly awesome to happen to me.

Jam for the Day: Softer, Softest by Hole

Beyond the Velvet Rope

So last night I got a call from this girl Dayna that I met out one night a couple of weeks ago. She says her friend can get us in free at this trendy club called Vicci in the Warehouse District. I'm like, okay, cool. Well when we get there, there is this huge line, velvet rope and all. But we are on the proverbial list. So we are escorted in and up to the vip room where your first drink is always complimentary. I obviously had a blast. I spent half the night dancing my ass off. I really needed that.

Jam for the Day: Beverly Hills by Weezer

The Crowds Keep Me Coming Back

Thanks to everyone for their lovely comments. Each one of you is so unique and I love you all uniquely. I have been having a rough couple of days lately, due mostly to my thinking too much. At least that's what we'll call it. Basically, I am dissatisfied with my position in life. I make burritos for a living. Although the creepy flirtation I have going on with one of the kitchen boys makes the burritos a little more interesting. I have less than 50% of what most of my peers have. This is a difficult realization. It will be very hard to catch up. It will be very hard indeed. And I am all alone. This scares me the most, though I don't know why because for the most part I am very independent. I guess I just need someone to hold my hand sometimes. Is that co-dependent? Or is that just romantic? I can never tell. But I won't get that. Don't ask me how I know--I just do. I just have to play through the pain. I often wonder if this is all leading somewhere. You know what I mean? I feel like I have no purpose, no ultimate plan. And being alone, I have a hard time caring about a plan, because what fun is a plan if there's no one to share it with? Really I think all my inner turmoil is brewing from the part of me that wants to hate myself versus the growing part of me that is falling in love with myself. I think I am having some kind of backlash from years of self-loathing, because now when I catch me loving myself, the old demons fight back even harder to ensure than I self-destruct. This may be incoherent psycho-babble, but I guess the only answer in my self-made condundrum is that I will have to be tough. I have been tough before, and I'll be tough again. All these things haven't killed me yet, so I guess I must be stronger than I think I am. At least that's what I'm supposed to say, right?

Jam for the Day: Good Times, Bad Times by Led Zeppelin

Validation

I'm okay. I'm okay...right?

Jam for the Day: Manic Depression by Jimi Hendrix

I'm Afraid Of Everything

I am worried. Real worried. Life. The future. Scary. There is so much. So, so much. And I am so little. So, so little.

Jam for the Day: Oh Me by Nirvana

Seasons Change and So Did I

Watching Nascar always reminds me of him. He used to make me watch it with him every Sunday. I hated it so much back then--I wonder if he'd laugh now to see me glued to 24 every weekend. I know he'd laugh. But it wasn't so bad because he'd let me fall asleep with my head on his chest and with my toes sticking out of the covers. That is a great way to spend a Sunday. It has been so long and so much has changed, but that is the one thing that has stayed the same. Even now I am still happy for him when Dale Jarrett does well. I can't help it but smile. I think and wonder about it all the time, but right now I know that it truly is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Jam for the Day: The Rain Song by Led Zeppelin

Yes that is bold for a reason. Buy it. Download it. Do whatever you have to do to listen to this song. It's good for the soul.

Portions for Foxes

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
And the touchin' leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
But just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
And the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
And I call you and say
Come here!

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control
For a walking corpse
Like me
Like you

'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah, we'll all be
Portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty, and she's real into you
And then she's sleepin' beside you...

And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing--I get lonely too.
And you're bad news; my friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

by Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley

The Kind You Find In A Second-Hand Store

Tonight I went out by myself again. I met up with some girlfriends that were working at Agave on Sixth, so I chilled and drank with them for a while. Since I have work today, I left early. Then I ran into Leslie in an argument with a street preacher. So of course, being half-drunk, I decide to join in the discussion. I think by the end Bible Boy had a big crush on me. But he was a little to extreme for my taste. Then I rode the bus with an old man who kept asking me if I were a model. He wouldn't believe me when I said I was too fat and too short to be a model. Why is it that dirty old men always think I'm beautiful? Guys my age...not so much. Nevertheless, I was indeed flattered. But I do think I'm cursed. I also think that ya'll think that I am a very depressed person. This is only half-true. I have been depressed most of my life and it is not fun. So in order to not be depressed, I use this as an outlet for my fears and insecurities. I guess this is my diary and I am an just an exhibitionist. I have used art and poetry in the past. Even so, I have always been ridiculously afraid of becoming an Old Maid. Heh. But if you knew me in real life you'd know I am very independent, totally laid back, and oftentimes the life of the party. I am still hearing stories (none embarrassing...so far) about my behavior at the Freebirds party when I drank the Everclear. It sounds like I had a great time. If I remember correctly I did. Ha. Anyway, I really appreciate the advice from my guys yesterday. Although I am thoroughly dissappointed in the absense of Unkind K's two cents. I know he'd give it to me straight. Haha. I am still trying to figure this dating thing out. I have never really "dated" ...I have always been friends with the "men" I've been with. (I use quotation marks for a reason...) Or I haven't really known them at all and I never saw them again. Hehe. I guess I hate to admit it, but sometimes that's how I roll. Oh and I didn't get the white sequined beret I wanted. Someone else had already bought it. Bitch. But instead I got a violet-colored floppy wool hat with a wide brim. It will go great with my full-length crimson wool coat. So I'm gonna rock that all over town, especially when it finally gets to be winter. Everyone will know me. I used to be the girl in the crimson coat. Now I'll be the girl in the purple hat. I always wanted to be the girl in the purple hat.

Men's cologne is the sexiest thing on the planet. It makes me just melt everytime. Sometimes I just go to the Men's section of the department store just to breathe in all the different scents. It's quite sensual. Almost like being with many men in one outing. Ahem. The best ones have that faint scent of pipe tobacco. My particular favorites are Pleasures for Men by Estee Lauder, Escape for Men by Calvin Klein, and Romance for Men by Ralph Lauren. Just so you know. I wear Romance by Ralph Lauren, and I want someone to buy me Be Delicious by DKNY for Christmas. Again, just so you know.

I need to listen to more Zeppelin.

Jams for the Day: Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day and Raspberry Beret by Prince

Don't Kill the Messenger

Oh, how I hate to disappoint. Last night I fell asleep on the couch and awoke at midnight and alas, no return phone call. Nothing. I do not know what to say about this. It's becoming something of a pattern. So I had a long talk with my (male) roomate about men and their phone habits, and he opined that if he were to give his phone number to a girl, he would definately want her to use it. So we decided that I should call Street Musician and take the initiative. So I did and got...his voicemail. Someone once said,

"One soul-crushing defeat after another."

Haha. Yes.

Can any of you men explain this sort of behavior? Reverend Dan? Armaedes? Wombat? Unkind K?

Help!

Caught Off-Guard

Oh my gosh he actually called me. I can't believe it. I think I might go over there after he's done "recording." That's hot. I am sooooo nervous. I am not as cool tonight as I was on Sunday night all dressed up. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to wear. I don't know how to act. My brain has just turned to mush. Is this what everyone's so crazy about? Because I think I'm going to be sick. I better have a glass of wine while I finish the laundry. Wish me luck! I'll let you know how it went...

*squeal*

It's All Over Now Baby Blue

Hey everyone. So I worked my ass off today. They called me in early and I kicked Freebirds ass. Believe that. Now I am at a friend's house watching tv. We watched My Name Is Earl and Nip/Tuck. Now that is one crazy show. Tomorrow I am going to buy a hat. It will be a white sequined beret. That's how I roll. I have been drinking a little tonight. And I want to go downtown and find that guy. I just want to see him again. That is probably all I should do though, because I tend to have better romances in my head than I do in reality. I am fantasy driven to the point of neuroticism sometimes. So I think I will just have sex when I need to and be in love with someone that doesn't exist. Or maybe he does. Maybe he is a part of every man I've ever been with. Maybe he is every man I've never been with. Maybe no one man could ever fulfill my fantasies. As much as I'd like to try, I have this creepy feeling that it would all end badly. I am too lonely to go on with this right now. I will feel better tomorrow. Goodnight.

Jam for the Day: HWC by Liz Phair