Manic Monday

Let me first extend my apologies to my few lovely readers concerning my short, inexpressive posts this past week. I have just not been feeling it, I'm sure ya'll understand. But I have not been busy and that leaves me no excuse. So please, forgive me.
Today I have been so manic. If you were to see me, you'd never guess. I have been calm and quiet. But inside my nerves are wound tighter than a nun's asshole. I almost had a panic attack in the bathroom earlier. I need someone to send me some Valium--quick! Just kidding. Drugs are bad.
I am anticipating two future events that literally make me sick with fear. I am so afraid of said events that I darenot tell you what they are lest I speak them into existence. Which is even worse because that just pulls the nerves even tighter as I have no outlet. This was supposed to be my outlet, but certain people found out about it and I don't trust them not to use it against me. (Don't you hate when that happens?)
So instead of becoming more candid like I so desire, I must become even more vague--at least until I move far, far away from this awful situation I have gotten myself into. And that's the worst part--I have only myself to blame. Where is the federal government when you need them?? (haha.)
Where is he? I long to hear his voice. Smell his shirt. Kiss his lips.
I have seriously considered quitting blush reality several times. Most recently this weekend. But I would miss my new friends too much. And I need this for me. Like I have said before, this is a record of my failures--I must document my love. And that's exactly what this is. A testament of my love for you, and as awkward as it may be, my love for me. By maintaining a platform upon which to display my inner self, I am subconsciously affirming blush the person (whoever that is...)
So instead of being a goddamned quitter, I have decided to try and keep this shit going my entire life. I figure there will be some down time, but I will be interested to go back when I am grey and remember when I was green. How 'bout it? Are you down?