Tell Me Something I Don't Know

I couldn't help but laugh at this... Your IQ Is 125

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

A Christmas Carol

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk
At our Christmas party
We were drinkin' champagne punch
And homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him
Till he sang Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins
From his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kaye
Who talks all about AA
Chain smokin' while the stereo plays
Noel, Noel
The first Noel

Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Mix Margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quik-Pak store
We need some ice and an extension cord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rite
A box of tampons, some Marlboro Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Fran and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw the breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night
Oh Silent Night
Oh Holy Night

Carve the turkey turn the ballgame on
Mix Bloody Marys
Cause we all want one!
Send somebody to the Stop 'n Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprite
A box of tampons, some Salem Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Feliz Navidad!

Festivus for the Rest of Us

This has been probably the best Christmas since Santa stopped showing up. I am thoroughly contented. Even though I told my mom not to buy me any gifts because I really need cash instead, she went ahead and did it anyway, and I was so surprised. A terrycloth robe, among other things. Even my ex-co-workers sent me a card they made themselves especially for me (featured above.) Jeffy photoshopped me a Conor Oberst Christmas card. I have never laughed so hard or been so appreciative of a Christmas present. I love those guys. I hope they like their coupons for free burritos! Holla!

So yesterday I flew into Houston to meet my father. I was very excited because I love to fly, and I haven't in years. This is also kind of a big deal to me because I will never forget being in prison and watching the planes pass overhead and just yearning for that kind of freedom. It's funny the things that you miss once you've had your freedom taken away. So I vowed that I would get myself on a plane to somewhere as soon as possible, and even though it was only Houston, I was much pleased. But going up this time was so different than it was before. Before it didn't mean anything. It was a means to an end. Now when I see the curvature of the earth meet the blue haze of ozone, observe the golden sunlight reflecting off of a lake, or watch a cumulostratus empty itself onto the earth, it's so real. It's amazing. All of it.

So today was our traditional "country" Christmas (we had our "city" Christmas yesterday) and it was just as I remember it. Football, Ambrosia, and Skeet Shootin' in the backyard. It was perfect. The only thing that had changed was me. I always had something to hide before; not anymore. It makes me so happy. So free.

But perhaps the best gift I got, perhaps the best gift I've ever been given, is a simple silver band bracelet my mother totally surprised me with. It has a quote from Emerson inscribed on it: What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. I will wear this everyday without fail.

I cried as the church choir lifted their voices to Oh Holy Night. "Fall on your knees" gets me everytime.

A Christmas Miracle

Holy shit it actually does happen. A Christmas Miracle. I was cruising through the blogosphere just now and I came across Kevin Smith's personal blog on Beth's page. I can't believe it, it is actually THE Kevin Smith, one of my all-time favorites. I start to read. After a few posts he's talking about wrapping and cutting and all that shit. I am like, whoa, he's got a new movie coming out?! How could I not have known this? I read further. This is not just any movie. This is Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks. Can you believe it?? Clerks fucking TWO. With all the original peeps and Rosario Dawson thrown into the mix, but now they work at Mooby's. Jason Lee is there, and even my man Affleck (a.k.a. Holden McNeil) makes an appearance. I am so excited. This is the best thing I've heard about in years, well, since Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back came out. Fuckin aye.

Check out Silent Bob Speaks. The link's to the right.

My love for you is like a truck
Berzerker!
Would you like some making fuck?
Berzerker!

Jam for the Day: New Slang by The Shins

I'm Weak but not Giving In

So I decided to go for it and I put my new pic up on Hot or Not. So far 341 peeps have rated me and I average out at 7.5. Apparently I am hotter than 72% of women on the site. Which is nothing to be ashamed of, I guess. Some sorry motherfuckers rated me at 1. That's some cold shit right there. Oh well. It is Christmas Eve Eve, so I suppose I'll forgive them, because some other gorgeous souls rated me at 10. (Thank You.) This will be the first Christmas I have celebrated with my family in two years. Last year I was in jail, and the year before that I was just too high to make it. I guess we will see how much has changed. And I just found out my Dad will be picking me up at the airport and is actually going to Christmas with my Mom's family. This hasn't happened in years. It's not so much that they don't get along, but more that my dad is kinda grinchish about Christmas. ...So I am super stressed out, but not because of any of that. I am nervous about the future. I can't even allow myself to think about it all because I start to feel the anxiety rise in my chest, and I can't afford myself panic attacks and shit like that anymore. It is so hard to be an adult sometimes. My Christmas presents for my parents pretty much suck, but I really hope they like them. I put a lot of thought into them. The weather is beautiful here, but not like Christmastime at all. I guess it's hard for me to get in the spirit, sitting here by myself all week long. I need to be around people. I derive my energy from them. Like a sponge. And right now I am parched. What I really need is someone to hold me and make me believe that everything will be okay so I can regain my strength.

A new goal in my life is to score a recurring role on my favorite soap opera Passions. That and I want to be the Air Guitar Champion of the World.

Is it wrong that I like Kelly Clarkson as much as I do?? Since You Been Gone is the fucking jam I swear.

Jam of the Day: Blue Christmas by Bright Eyes

Sometimes

Sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes you look like a movie star. Sometimes you get drunk alone. Sometimes you get off to Skinemax then smoke a cigarette and pass out. Sometimes you're empty. Sometimes you wish you were dead. Sometimes you wish you were alive.

She's My Cherry Pie

So the big news today is that I've got a whole new look. Check me out. This is the best Christmas present I ever got myself. That chick did a fucking awesome job on my hair. I can't wait to surprise my mom with it when I get off the plane on Saturday. I haven't had bangs since I was a little girl...ladies, you know how big of a deal this is. I am so happy. I feel gorgeous.

Click all the way to the new pic for full effect. Comments welcome.

Jam of the Day: Such Great Heights by The Postal Service

White Merlot

The wine used to make her feel better. It kept her giddy until morning. Then it all changed. Now she clenches her teeth. When it's bad, her neck tenses up and her shoulders hunch like some kind of turtle. Then she'll have to lay down. Tears pour out of her tightly shut eyes. The knot in her stomach expands and rises until the first sob bursts from her lips. Then she can't stop. She clutches her knees in hopes that she can somehow stop, like bending a hose, but she just can't seem to stop it. Her stomach hurts. She can't breathe. She doesn't know why she does this to herself. It's not the wine. It's her. Sometimes it just feels good to cry. You know?

You've Got To Make It Bloom

So for Christmas I am treating myself to a $40 haircut. This would have been par for the course back in the day, but now this is a huge luxury for me. As a woman, I care much more for my hair than I should, so I consider it an investment of sorts. There are just some things you can't expect a girl to give up.

Lately I have been thinking about myself and how I am different since I have visited prison and how I am the same. It's weird because I feel very much the same, but I notice different things about myself now and then. I am much more wary of everyone. I see and appreciate nature and architecture like I never really did before. I spend lots of time worrying about making good decisions. I get angry rather than sad. I deal with difficult situations more calmly. I smile for no reason. I assert myself so easily now. I very rarely cry over my own shit. I am much more guarded and protective of my heart. I have a best friend I've barely talked to in years. What if she doesn't like me the way I am now? Or vice versa?? I don't necessarily fear vice versa, but it scares the hell out of me. So much so that I shy away from confronting it...

Ya'll will never guess what happened yesterday. I went to the bathroom, and flushed the toilet, and reached up into the cabinet above and accidentally knocked a bottle of my perfume into the flushing toilet and can you believe that it sucked that glass bottle right down?? I was like, in shock. So I reached up into the toilet in desperation but I couldn't reach far enough to even feel the bottle. And my hands and wrists are very small! This is a relatively heavy glass bottle. I don't see how it could turn the corner in the pipe. I am still a little freaked out. I don't even know what to think. They are coming to fix it. What a pain in my ass.

Come on be on fire
Come on be a liar
My dress is the prettiest
Cover me in burns
Everyone take a turn
I'm already humiliated
My, oh my baby you do reflect the sun
And my, oh my baby you were almost golden

If The Beatles had put out a techno record, it would be Give Up by The Postal Service.

Jam of the Day: Under Control by The Strokes

Love Me Do

The other night I went to Whole Foods Market downtown to buy my father a Christmas present. Whole Foods is this Austin-based hippie grocery store that has actually been really successful. They sell all organic and all-natural foods. I knew right away I hated this place. There were no brand names. Everything looked generic. I prefer my food be wrapped in pretty colored paper, but that's just me. Anyway, I got what I was looking for and was browsing around in the hygiene section and I came across something I couldn't believe, and I don't come across things I can't believe very often. They actually sold 100% organic cotton reusable feminine pads. Reuseable! Like you use it, then you wash it, then you use it again. So I picked up the box and it read one use. This box was far too large for what was supposed to be in it. I could fit like 10 of mine into the box that held one glorified ...rag. I don't see how any woman in her right mind would ever use a product like this. Haven't we come far enough to splurge on ourselves? Just a little??

Why is it that every time I watch Oprah I must cry?? It's like my face leaks every weekday between 4-5 pm. Sheesh.

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself...
Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real
To begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I need a man to make me feel like a woman.

Jam of the Day: Only You by Nine Inch Nails

The Interest Kills

Last night I went to my friend Ricky's show with his band The Interest Kills. They were really good, I was impressed. They sound a little like The Strokes. It was interesting because everyone there was a "hipster." So I was down with the scene last night. I have never been part of a scene before...

So I am flying into Houston on Christmas Eve. Gotta love holiday travel. Then I will be flying into Dallas to spend New Year's Eve with Danielle. I need that vacation. I wonder if I will have anyone to kiss at midnight. Maybe I will wear a dress...

After that everything gets hard. My mom is helping me out to get an apartment of my own and car finally but I have to find a new or second job and maintain all of that. I am not looking forward to joining the rat race. It will take some crafty budgeting and maneuvering, and I guess I can curb my enthusiasm for the finer things in life for the time being. But I will be stressed out!

Before I went to jail, life was in two-dimensions. It had a clear beginning and a clear ending. But now when I walk down the street, the world is three-dimensional. I see everything in technicolor, but I am no longer watching Blush "TV." I think I can really feel for the very first time. Everything else just seems like details.

I love blogging as a hobby because it takes about five minutes and involves mostly thinking. Ha! I am so lazy.

When someone reveals themself to you, believe them. - Maya Angelou

A Different Shade of Soul

Kinky Friedman is a Jewish writer/musician/cowboy from Texas running for the office of governor. He reached a mild level of national fame when he performed with his band, The Texas Jewboys, on Saturday Night Live in the 1970's. Since then he has written over 20 novels. Now he's calling for the "dewussification" of Texas. I looked into his platform and it sounds good to me. I like his ideas about how to improve education down here, which everyone knows we so desperately need. And for some reason right now I feel better about voting for an independent candidate than a political party. Then last night I saw the first round of political ads put out by the "Kinky: Why The Hell Not?" campaign. This guy kicks ass. Those are by far the best political ads ever. I am totally voting for him next year. I might even work on his campaign. Why the hell not?

Please check out the link!
http://www.kinkyfriedman.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=186

I'm Your Venus

Damn! I haven't been able to get online in days and it's nearly killed me. So I went out with S and I decided I fucking hate him. Yeah. He listens to Nickelback. Yeah. But he did take me to this cool place called Pete's Dueling Piano Bar. There are two pianos in the middle of the bar and they play cover tunes and poke fun at people in the audience. It is basically a drunk sing-a-long, but who doesn't love drunk sing-a-longs?? I know I do. And you haven't lived until you've heard Sweet Child of Mine played on two pianos. It was awesome. Especially since that was the fucking Jam of the Day. When they made fun of the people in the crowd, they would be really raunchy, and at the end everyone would yell "BITCH! SLUT! WHORE!" at the person in unison. Just that was worth the date itself.

You always know when a guy doesn't really care about you because he'll try everything too hard and too fast. Ugh. If you're gonna fuck n run, do it like you mean it...

At least I got my jacket back.

What do you think about my new style?? I am starting to get used to it. The old picture was taken when I was 17. This new one isn't as dramatic, but at least I'm finally keepin' it real.

Where is he?
Only a breath away.

I think there are about a million reasons for a girl to fake it.

Jam for the Day: Drain You by Nirvana

Can ya dig it

Here's a glimpse of my last few days...

Hello, do you know what you'd like?
Would you like rice, beans, and cheese on that?
Someone will be right with you guys...
Monterrey Jack or Cheddar Mixed cheese?
Black, Refried, or Pinto beans?
Would you like chicken or steak or veggie?
Would you like any roasted vegetables?
Everything down here is free, sour cream and guacamole are each a little extra.
Would you like any Hot, Mild, or Barbeque sauce? We also have Habanero, lime juice, and Death sauce.
Does that look good?
Is this for here or to go?
Thanks so much. Have a great day!

I have been working my ass off lately. I hope my paycheck reflects it. Yesterday was the first day that my co-workers ever really got on my nerves. There is this one girl, Lily, that is always correcting me and telling me what to do. This girl is not my boss. She's not ranked any higher than me. My managers never correct me, because I bust ass. This girl is so uptight, and she is only 17. To be fair though, she supports her family, and she is just the cutest little Mexican girl you ever saw. I do not hate her, but I do hate her criticism. I recently found out that most everyone else shares this sentiment. So today she corrected me in front of a customer and I was just like, that's it. No more. I really hate confrontation, but what kind of a pussy would I have been not to say something...so I took her aside and told her to please not do that anymore, I would really appreciate it. She tried to protest but I held my ground, because I really was fucking pissed. I mean, shit like that makes us all look bad. Anyway, I was reassured that I played my cards right because Meagan had heard and came by right after and congratulated me for "putting Lily in her place." Hell yeah.

So tonight I am going out with S again, mainly because I left my pink suede jacket in his car. I am very tired and really don't want to go. But that's okay, I will let him buy my drinks tonight. Heheh. I need to unwind. Why is it I always like the guys who never call?

Jam for the Day: Sweet Child of Mine by Guns n Roses

Some People Learn The Hard Way

There once was a young girl named Blush. She was very rebellious and quite spoiled and this set her up to make big mistakes in life. As she got older and life got harder, she decided to break with reality. Blush became a drug addict.

My drug of choice was speed: methamphetamines. I started using meth in high school in the form of Ritalin, which I did not know was meth at the time. Ritalin was the first drug I ever tried, and I loved it. By the time I was a senior I was using every day. It helped me get through school and extracurriculars and still have the energy to party. Which I did a lot of. After a couple of years in college, I started using street meth. I will tell you first hand it is a dirty, dirty, really awesome feeling. (In my defense.) Anyway, I got into some trouble and quit, but not for long. Then I met this guy. He was a full-blown addict. We became junkies for about 4 months. It was really fun and cool at first, very sex, drugs, & rock n roll, but that kind of shit takes a toll on you. Sometime during the 3rd month, he developed full-blown methamphetamine psychosis. This is a scary, scary thing. I kinda knew at that time that's what it was, but being on just as many drugs, I wasn't truly making the connection. Anyway sometimes he would be violent. He would always be accusing me of things that never happened that he dreamed up. He was very cruel. It was ridiculous, but he had me very much under his thumb, even though I was funding everything. Then he almost killed us both when he fell asleep at the wheel in my truck and flipped it, therefore destroying my beloved Lucy. It was an Act Of God that we made it out unscathed. By this time my parents were figuring out what was going on, but nobody wanted to admit it and nobody had the communication skills to deal with it. So they took everything away from me. And then we ran out of money. So he armwrestled me into helping him steal a bunch of shit from the grocery store. Yeah, the grocery store. It's embarrassing. I was afraid of him, but at the same time, I knew that it was just over for me. It had gotten so bad that I had actually quit and been going through withdrawals that week and I was just ...tired. So I went along with it, and of course we got caught. I knew that this time I was going to be there for a while. And I was. I spent 10 months in the Texas Criminal Justice System. I was released on February 1, 2005. The last time I saw that awful man was in the back of a cop car. Until last night.

Did I do the right thing? Was it right to pretend not to know him? Obviously this guy should not be in my life. But I never got to tell him what I think of him. If he would have stayed on that bus I could have. I used to daydream in jail about finding this guy and beating the shit out of him with a baseball bat. But when I saw him last night, other than utter horror at the surprise, I actually didn't feel like killing him. Oh the things I've thought to say to him...but none of that came out. Why? Was that all the closure I needed? I mean really. I only wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. He looked so fucking happy to see me on the bus...and I just denied him. I think that would hurt me the most. And now I actually feel kinda bad about being rude to that asshole. What the fuck is wrong with me?? Why can't I just be ruthless??

Don't think that I am blaming him and not taking responsibility for my own actions. I did the crime and I did my time.

Anyway, that is my big secret. I have been to prison. The Big House. The Inside. Oh, the stories I could tell ya'll...I have seen some shit. Imagine being locked up with 50 of the craziest bitches you've ever met. Think about the craziest bitch you know...just imagine her...now multiply that by 50. Now multiply that by 10 months. Yeah. It was like, hilarity everyday. Sometimes it was hard, but by the end of my stay I was laughing all the time. I was one of the youngest women there and I did not fit in at all. In jail, I was a minority within a minority within a minority. But that was okay. Now that I can look back on it, a good time was had by all. Haha!

When I got out of jail, I had nothing. Since I went to jail weighing in at a whopping 100 lbs., I gained a ton of weight sitting on my ass in there. None of my clothes fit me, all of my furniture was in storage, but most importantly, I didn't have any money and I actually had an overdue cell phone bill to pay. I went to work for my father immediately. I don't mean to sound ungrateful about the situation in Houston, but for descriptive purposes, I can only say living there was like living in Nazi Germany--for me. My father is very protective and has an ...interesting means of applying his will. I think they call it "forcing." I was so lonely there. I was not allowed to have any friends. And I had lost most of them during my debacle. That is when I came here. I needed some connection with the outside world. When we packed up our shit in the evacuation, I decided to just stay packed and move to Austin to start a new life. But you all knew that.

When listened to through headphones, the song Bron-yr-Aur by Led Zeppelin will dance through your head like Stevie Nicks on Angel Dust.

All My Exes Live In Texas

So tonight I went down to The Drag to sell some old clothes to the resale shops. I was waiting for the bus to go home because I was sleepy and in a sour mood. When I go out walking and shit, I wear my mp3 player. It makes walking around kinda surreal and much more fun. Remember this fact. Well here comes the bus. All I want to do is get home. I get on the bus, slide my card, and head for the first open seat, which happened to be at the very back where it kinda spreads out. So I sat down and posted up because it's kind of a long ride. I looked out the window and fixed my bag and looked up and there was this guy coming towards me. Remember, I can't hear anything but Bright Eyes. The rest is like a dream. I looked the man in the face and it was my ex-boyfriend whom I hadn't had contact with in almost two years and the last time I saw him was quite a traumatic experience. This is a man that I vowed never to speak to again. This is a man whose letters I refused. This is a man who raised his hand to me. This is a man who used me and destroyed my life. This is a man whom I last saw in College Station. And out of nowhere I am face to face with him on the fucking bus in Austin. My eyes were wide when they met his, but all I could do was just look down and hide my face. The bus stopped. I guess he got that I didn't want to know him anymore because when I was able to compose myself and deal with the situation, I looked up and he was hopping off the bus. And that was it. Never said a word. Don't know if he said anything because all I could hear was Conor Oberst whining in my ear. It all happened so fast and was so surreal. I don't know what to think. I never thought I'd see him again. I have never just denied someone like that. I truly didn't mean to, but I didn't know he would run away. I am glad he did though.

I don't ever, ever want to see any of my ex-boyfriends, any of them, ever again. And this one wasn't even the worst one. It was pretty bad, but He's still lurking about Central and East Texas. Not cool.

I cannot believe this shit happened tonight.

The crazy thing is, is that it was like, fated or something. Check it out: I fucked up twice trying to ride the bus on the way there. I kinda dozed off on the bus and when I looked up I didn't recognize where I was so I got off the bus but it turns out that I got off way too early. I was so pissed. Then I did it again. All I could do was laugh at myself because I have gone that route many times and got it right every time. I wondered what the hell was wrong with me...but if I hadn't done that shit I wouldn't have been at that place at that time and I wouldn't have seen him. That kinda creeps me out.

So after that S called to take me out but I just wasn't up to it so I declined. He was really cool about it though and said, and I quote: "Don't commit. Just call me when you wanna do something." Awesome.

I have decided to let ya'll in on my "big secret" tomorrow. You will then understand the full impact of what happened to me tonight. That shit made me realize that it cannot be avoided any longer. Prizes to anyone who can guess what it is...

Jam for the Day: It's My Life by No Doubt

Mine Is Forever

Today I wished I had someone to communicate all the beauty I see to. Because my life is beautiful. More and more everyday.

Jam for the Day: Dumb by Nirvana

When I Get What I Want I Never Want It Again

Oh man what have I done? I can't stop thinking about this thing with S. I reread my post from last night and it's not that we have so much in common but that we have one major thing in common and I don't know if that's what I want to have in common with the guy I'm with. Make sense? We did have a fun time though. But he's already called me twice today. I will feel bad if I blow him off but I really want to. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what I want. There is so much more to the story but I am afraid to tell it. I'm sure you've noticed me alluding to it before. One day I will tell. Probably soon. I'm afraid this is just the classic case of the grass being greener on the other side. I have been wanting a guy so bad, now that I've got one I'm over it. Also, I have a way of enchanting men and if they bite and fall too quickly I've conquered the situation and I'm over that too. Sucks.

And the talkin' leads to touchin'
And the touchin' leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

Jam for the Day: Violet by Hole

The Answer Is Yes

So the date was awesome. S and I have tons in common. He is a great kisser. There is much to be said for making out. That is something I've totally missed. And he listened to me babble. Another plus. Oh and he was such a gentleman... The only thing is he is totally not ideal. But we get along so well. Like...um...well... He's going to call me tomorrow. Do I jump like I used to or do I lay down the law? Should I just be aloof? I'm not sure what I want at this point... How do I play this? I am such a novice.

Did I Shave My Legs For This?

So I have a date tonight. I think it's safe to say that this is my first date ever. Don't misunderstand...I have had boyfriends and lovers but I have not had a "date." Until tonight. What I can't believe is that a guy actually called when he said he would. *rolls eyes* ...So how could I say no? Haha. Half of me is very nervous and half of me could give a shit. I don't get many chances to Kiss & Blog, but perhaps this time I will...

Jam for the Day: I Turn My Camera On by Spoon

I wanna write a love song

You know what sucks?? Losing your appetite over Thanksgiving. Yeah. And I have to do it again tomorrow in Houston. What's ironic is I will be hungry next week and won't have any food. Yeah.

So Danielle came and went. Sixth was dead for some reason so we just stayed up and talked all night. Then we shopped until we were at each other's throats the next two days...heheh. That tends to happen to girls...but we made up over Freebirds so it was all okay. Plus, we got some bomb-ass shit. After she left I was having trouble settling down, so I decided to check out the bar across the street, Ego's. It just so happens to be the most awesome hole-in-the-wall bar I've ever seen. Picturesque, even. Ideal. They have poetry slams on Wednesday nights for god's sake. It's a small crowd, mostly regulars, and I totally plan on becoming one of them.

I am home now for the first time since I moved to Austin. I was greeted at the door when I got home at midnight by my beloved cat, Dinah. Is it wrong that I've missed her more than anyone else in my family?? Well that's just the way it is. So today I found a tick on her and had to pull it out. It was thoroughly horrifying and I never, ever want to do it again. Dinah was very co-operative, as I had explained to her the situation (she is extremely smart and understands English) but it was way too hard to pull that little fucker out. I literally had to rip it out, fur and all. My poor baby! And then when I looked at it after I set it down on the toilet paper the sheer disgustingness of it's fat, leggy, insect body sent shivers down my spine and if I hadn't had to fix Dinah up with some hydrogen peroxide I would have run screaming out of the room, and probably the house. Since I didn't, I think that energy is trapped inside of me because I keep getting the heebie-jeebies now and then. But that might be because of what happens in the next paragraph...

My favorite day of every year is not Thanksgiving. It is in fact the day after. Today the Aggies played the Longhorns in the Lone Star Shoot-Out, the biggest rivalry in the state and one of the oldest in the country. The Aggies have not won in 5 years, and this hurts me. And if you have been following College Football, you know that this year is Texas's year. All the announcers could talk about pre-game was Mr. Fucking Heisman--Vince Young. Our star quarterback was hurt and could not play, so our starting qb was a true freshman, and had never started a game. And our defense is ranked dead last in the NCAA. Yeah. I didn't even want to see how bad they were going to beat us. But the fucking Aggies man, I swear. Those guys played a hell of a game today. At one point my hands were shaking and it was hard to catch my breath. It was one of those games that takes a couple years off of your life. Mr. Freshman Quarterback--Stephen McGee--had way better stats than Mr. Fucking Heisman and statistically, you would have thought that the Aggies whooped ass. Alas, no. That is sometimes how it goes. Although we lost, we played our fucking hearts out and probably fucked Mr. Heisman out of his big-time trophy. And look what happened to Ricky Williams after he didn't win his Heisman...eek. Maybe we didn't win today, but we did a damn good job, and that's fine by me. Either way, win or loss, I look forward to this day every year, and now that it's over (as is the Aggie football season, sadly) I guess I can start looking forward to next year. It's good to have something to look forward to.

And just to update everyone, the Nascar season is over and Jeff Gordon came in 11th place. That sounds shitty, but he still gets a million dollar bonus. Yeah. So start thinking of ways I can meet and seduce Jeff Gordon...

On Thanksgiving I went to College Station to my grandmother's house. It had been like 2 years since I had been there, and I didn't realize how much I missed everyone. I had a great time and drank great wine. So tomorrow I go to Houston to see my father's side of the family (and consequently my father) and I am a little nervous. When I left we were not on the best of terms, to say the least. I'm sure it will be fine, but family stresses me out. And that side of the family doesn't drink...

So I know I haven't written very much or very well lately. I am not sure whether to apologize or say you're welcome. Heh. I am just uninspired of late. I think it is due to my television to music ratio. I am hoping to remedy this by loading up my roomate's mp3 player with some of my current favorites. So here comes the inevitable blog-list of what I'm rocking out to these days...

Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect by The Decemberists
I Disappear by The Faint
Such Great Heights by The Postal Service
You And I Misbehaving by Tilly and the Wall
My Doorbell by The White Stripes
Hold Me Now by The Polyphonic Spree
Bron-Yr-Aur by Led Zeppelin
Mono by Courtney Love
Julian, I'm A Little Bit Older Than You by Courtney Love
Almost Golden by Courtney Love
Uncool by Courtney Love
Hold Onto Me by Courtney Love
Zeppelin Song by Courtney Love
Spent On Rainy Days by Bright Eyes
Loose Leaves by Bright Eyes
Messenger Bird's Song by Bright Eyes
Going For The Gold by Bright Eyes
Pull My Hair by Bright Eyes
It's My Life by No Doubt
Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp by Led Zeppelin
The Way We Get By by Spoon
My Slumbering Heart by Rilo Kiley
A Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley
Bessa by Tilly and the Wall
Since You Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Yeah.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for rock n roll. And Evian bottled water.

Jam for the Day: More Than A Feeling by Boston

Kissing the Lipless

Tonight I feel like going out and rubbing up against some drunk guys. I have this theory that men have only two emotions: pride and lust. No one can compete with that. This is what makes women evil.

Soul of a woman was
created
below...

Jam for the Day: Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin

I suck at blogging

So this afternoon is the start of a mini-vacation before Thanksgiving for me. I am busy cleaning the house for Danielle's arrival. But it's fun, I like cleaning. I should have at least a couple good stories by next week, so just hang on, I know I've been boring lately. I went to the bank to deposit my check today but now I'm going to do Direct Deposit so I won't have many reasons to go see the cutie at the bank. We had just gotten to be good acquaintances too. Luckily a rebate check came in the mail, so I'll be back there sooner than I thought. I might have to start making up reasons to go to the bank. Which is hard to do when you're as poor as I am, heh.

Untitled

So I am sick. The good news is that the medicine has worked really well. The other good news is that I have two days off work. The bad news is that it was an unexpected expense. And Danielle is coming into town this weekend. Oh my god I cannot wait. Commence the shopping! I cannot tell you how long I have waited for a weekend like this. We always have the most kick-ass time. I am hoping that her visit will give me the boost I need to face reality and the holidays and getting a second job and working on my resume.

No don't be fooled
Don't get lied to
Love was always cruel

I need some focus. I think if there was something that I really love that I could turn into a profession that is my only chance, because I hate working. Or at least something I could get into. As of right now I am not sure which path to tread as far as any training and/or education I would need to seek. If anyone has any cool ideas, please remit. Some doors are closed to me because I have a felony record (Gasp!) and that's why I need help thinking of something, and since ya'll basically read my diary, I thought I'd ask ya'll. It's about time ya'll started giving back...

Is anybody else watching The Colbert Report?? It's way better than The Daily Show. And that's saying quite a bit. Also, tonight I fell in love with this "mentalist" I saw on A&E they call Criss Angel. He's like a spiritualist-magician, and he is totally hot.

http://www.aetv.com/crissangel/

Tonight is the first freeze. It got cold like, yesterday and just didn't stop. One time someone told me it didn't get cold in Texas. Tell that to my hands. I left my gloves in Lufkin and really regret it. So winter is finally here. They already have some of the holiday shit up downtown. I was coming out of the pharmacy and I noticed a rose petal on the ground. It was bright pink and velvety. Someone had stepped on it. The edges were frayed. I thought it was beautiful. I held it in my hand on the way to the bank. When I walked back by the pharmacy I found another petal; then still another. I looked at them all radiant and scarred and loved them so much I put them in my pocket and carried them with me to the bus stop. I stroked them and felt their exquisite texture and imagined where they'd come from and who they were meant for. The wind picked up and I opened my hand and watched them blow out onto the sidewalk. And I smiled as I got into the bus. Sharing makes me happy.

The end of paralysis
I was a statuette
Now I'm drunk as hell
On a piano bench
And when I press the keys
It all gets reversed
The sound of lonliness
Makes me happier

Characterization

Have you ever thought about what character you'd be if you were in a movie? I mean who you'd be if someone had written a character based on you. Like, an existing character. Think about it...be honest! Well, I think I saw myself on Comedy Central yesterday. I think I would be Catherine Zeta-Jones' character "Charlie" in the movie High Fidelity. You know, that movie with John Cusack. Yeah, that's me. Number Three on the All-Time Worst Breakup List. And I don't know if it's good, bad, or indifferent
...but at least I was played by Catherine Zeta-Jones. I guess it's moot really. I am who I am and that's all I'll ever be.

Verse Chorus Verse

Jeff Gordon came in 3rd at Pheonix. Awesome. Next Sunday is the last race. I will definately miss my Nascar Sundays. I barely got out of bed yesterday. But today I had to work. So then I watched the race and it made me thoroughly happy. And by that I mean that it made me hot. I don't know why! It's so funny and weird...but I really can't help it! So it's tv tonight and work tomorrow and tv and work and tv and work. Blech. Street Musician called and I totally blew him off. It's time for something truly awesome to happen to me.

Jam for the Day: Softer, Softest by Hole

Beyond the Velvet Rope

So last night I got a call from this girl Dayna that I met out one night a couple of weeks ago. She says her friend can get us in free at this trendy club called Vicci in the Warehouse District. I'm like, okay, cool. Well when we get there, there is this huge line, velvet rope and all. But we are on the proverbial list. So we are escorted in and up to the vip room where your first drink is always complimentary. I obviously had a blast. I spent half the night dancing my ass off. I really needed that.

Jam for the Day: Beverly Hills by Weezer

The Crowds Keep Me Coming Back

Thanks to everyone for their lovely comments. Each one of you is so unique and I love you all uniquely. I have been having a rough couple of days lately, due mostly to my thinking too much. At least that's what we'll call it. Basically, I am dissatisfied with my position in life. I make burritos for a living. Although the creepy flirtation I have going on with one of the kitchen boys makes the burritos a little more interesting. I have less than 50% of what most of my peers have. This is a difficult realization. It will be very hard to catch up. It will be very hard indeed. And I am all alone. This scares me the most, though I don't know why because for the most part I am very independent. I guess I just need someone to hold my hand sometimes. Is that co-dependent? Or is that just romantic? I can never tell. But I won't get that. Don't ask me how I know--I just do. I just have to play through the pain. I often wonder if this is all leading somewhere. You know what I mean? I feel like I have no purpose, no ultimate plan. And being alone, I have a hard time caring about a plan, because what fun is a plan if there's no one to share it with? Really I think all my inner turmoil is brewing from the part of me that wants to hate myself versus the growing part of me that is falling in love with myself. I think I am having some kind of backlash from years of self-loathing, because now when I catch me loving myself, the old demons fight back even harder to ensure than I self-destruct. This may be incoherent psycho-babble, but I guess the only answer in my self-made condundrum is that I will have to be tough. I have been tough before, and I'll be tough again. All these things haven't killed me yet, so I guess I must be stronger than I think I am. At least that's what I'm supposed to say, right?

Jam for the Day: Good Times, Bad Times by Led Zeppelin

Validation

I'm okay. I'm okay...right?

Jam for the Day: Manic Depression by Jimi Hendrix

I'm Afraid Of Everything

I am worried. Real worried. Life. The future. Scary. There is so much. So, so much. And I am so little. So, so little.

Jam for the Day: Oh Me by Nirvana

Seasons Change and So Did I

Watching Nascar always reminds me of him. He used to make me watch it with him every Sunday. I hated it so much back then--I wonder if he'd laugh now to see me glued to 24 every weekend. I know he'd laugh. But it wasn't so bad because he'd let me fall asleep with my head on his chest and with my toes sticking out of the covers. That is a great way to spend a Sunday. It has been so long and so much has changed, but that is the one thing that has stayed the same. Even now I am still happy for him when Dale Jarrett does well. I can't help it but smile. I think and wonder about it all the time, but right now I know that it truly is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Jam for the Day: The Rain Song by Led Zeppelin

Yes that is bold for a reason. Buy it. Download it. Do whatever you have to do to listen to this song. It's good for the soul.

Portions for Foxes

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
And the touchin' leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
But just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
And the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
And I call you and say
Come here!

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control
For a walking corpse
Like me
Like you

'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah, we'll all be
Portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty, and she's real into you
And then she's sleepin' beside you...

And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing--I get lonely too.
And you're bad news; my friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

by Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley

The Kind You Find In A Second-Hand Store

Tonight I went out by myself again. I met up with some girlfriends that were working at Agave on Sixth, so I chilled and drank with them for a while. Since I have work today, I left early. Then I ran into Leslie in an argument with a street preacher. So of course, being half-drunk, I decide to join in the discussion. I think by the end Bible Boy had a big crush on me. But he was a little to extreme for my taste. Then I rode the bus with an old man who kept asking me if I were a model. He wouldn't believe me when I said I was too fat and too short to be a model. Why is it that dirty old men always think I'm beautiful? Guys my age...not so much. Nevertheless, I was indeed flattered. But I do think I'm cursed. I also think that ya'll think that I am a very depressed person. This is only half-true. I have been depressed most of my life and it is not fun. So in order to not be depressed, I use this as an outlet for my fears and insecurities. I guess this is my diary and I am an just an exhibitionist. I have used art and poetry in the past. Even so, I have always been ridiculously afraid of becoming an Old Maid. Heh. But if you knew me in real life you'd know I am very independent, totally laid back, and oftentimes the life of the party. I am still hearing stories (none embarrassing...so far) about my behavior at the Freebirds party when I drank the Everclear. It sounds like I had a great time. If I remember correctly I did. Ha. Anyway, I really appreciate the advice from my guys yesterday. Although I am thoroughly dissappointed in the absense of Unkind K's two cents. I know he'd give it to me straight. Haha. I am still trying to figure this dating thing out. I have never really "dated" ...I have always been friends with the "men" I've been with. (I use quotation marks for a reason...) Or I haven't really known them at all and I never saw them again. Hehe. I guess I hate to admit it, but sometimes that's how I roll. Oh and I didn't get the white sequined beret I wanted. Someone else had already bought it. Bitch. But instead I got a violet-colored floppy wool hat with a wide brim. It will go great with my full-length crimson wool coat. So I'm gonna rock that all over town, especially when it finally gets to be winter. Everyone will know me. I used to be the girl in the crimson coat. Now I'll be the girl in the purple hat. I always wanted to be the girl in the purple hat.

Men's cologne is the sexiest thing on the planet. It makes me just melt everytime. Sometimes I just go to the Men's section of the department store just to breathe in all the different scents. It's quite sensual. Almost like being with many men in one outing. Ahem. The best ones have that faint scent of pipe tobacco. My particular favorites are Pleasures for Men by Estee Lauder, Escape for Men by Calvin Klein, and Romance for Men by Ralph Lauren. Just so you know. I wear Romance by Ralph Lauren, and I want someone to buy me Be Delicious by DKNY for Christmas. Again, just so you know.

I need to listen to more Zeppelin.

Jams for the Day: Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day and Raspberry Beret by Prince

Don't Kill the Messenger

Oh, how I hate to disappoint. Last night I fell asleep on the couch and awoke at midnight and alas, no return phone call. Nothing. I do not know what to say about this. It's becoming something of a pattern. So I had a long talk with my (male) roomate about men and their phone habits, and he opined that if he were to give his phone number to a girl, he would definately want her to use it. So we decided that I should call Street Musician and take the initiative. So I did and got...his voicemail. Someone once said,

"One soul-crushing defeat after another."

Haha. Yes.

Can any of you men explain this sort of behavior? Reverend Dan? Armaedes? Wombat? Unkind K?

Help!

Caught Off-Guard

Oh my gosh he actually called me. I can't believe it. I think I might go over there after he's done "recording." That's hot. I am sooooo nervous. I am not as cool tonight as I was on Sunday night all dressed up. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to wear. I don't know how to act. My brain has just turned to mush. Is this what everyone's so crazy about? Because I think I'm going to be sick. I better have a glass of wine while I finish the laundry. Wish me luck! I'll let you know how it went...

*squeal*

It's All Over Now Baby Blue

Hey everyone. So I worked my ass off today. They called me in early and I kicked Freebirds ass. Believe that. Now I am at a friend's house watching tv. We watched My Name Is Earl and Nip/Tuck. Now that is one crazy show. Tomorrow I am going to buy a hat. It will be a white sequined beret. That's how I roll. I have been drinking a little tonight. And I want to go downtown and find that guy. I just want to see him again. That is probably all I should do though, because I tend to have better romances in my head than I do in reality. I am fantasy driven to the point of neuroticism sometimes. So I think I will just have sex when I need to and be in love with someone that doesn't exist. Or maybe he does. Maybe he is a part of every man I've ever been with. Maybe he is every man I've never been with. Maybe no one man could ever fulfill my fantasies. As much as I'd like to try, I have this creepy feeling that it would all end badly. I am too lonely to go on with this right now. I will feel better tomorrow. Goodnight.

Jam for the Day: HWC by Liz Phair

He's Got a Perfect Name

The other night I went downtown by myself again just to see what was up like I had planned to do previously. But I made a fatal error. I forgot my ID. Yeah. But being Sunday, not too many people were out there, which sucked because I looked stunning. Almost like a movie star. (I was in costume.) So I just walked around and tried to talk some of the bouncers into letting me in but I wasn't really feeling it. I was feeling a little despondent or something. Then I heard it. A beautiful mix of blues guitar and jazz saxophone. I smiled because the kind of music they were playing matched perfectly with how I was dressed, and that gave me a good reason to go over there and hang out. As I got closer, I saw that the guitarist was quite attractive, and my age. He saw me coming over and smiled and nodded his head. So I sat on the steps of the Driskill Hotel while they played and he sang. The more I listened to him sing, the more it seemed like he was singing to me. I would look up at him and grin and he would look down at me and chuckle. A passing couple dropped some change into his guitar case. The song ended. We started talking. He is from New Orleans. He relocated to Austin for obvious reasons. He also gives guitar lessons. Then the sax player got up and went some where else. He played some Zeppelin for me. I loved the way he was dressed, and I loved the way he wore his clothes. The more we flirted, the more I realized that this was a man I could fall in love with. LIke, I just wanna be close to him. I want to learn from him. We exchanged phone numbers, but he didn't call me today. Why are men like that? But now I know where he is on weekends, so I can always stop by. I would anyway just to listen to him play and sing. I would love to become close to this man--his lifestyle is so romantic and that's something I could totally dig. And oh yeah, he's a scorpio and I'm a pisces. That's my favorite combination. I hated to leave, but my cab was pulling up. So on impulse I told him that I didn't have any cash for his guitar-case but I did have something else for him. Then I kissed him. He smiled as I turned and walked to my cab. I think he yelled out "call me" as I walked away. I am such a player. I can't wait to see this guy again.

True Blue

Last night I had not a just a fun night out but a goddamned adventure. I musta walked about 500 blocks during the course of the night. In heels. Of course it started out harmlessly enough...but doesn't it always? I went down to Sixth by myself, in costume, just to see what was up. I had planned to check out the scene and go home because I was tired from closing at work. What I didn't plan on was meeting some of the realest chicas I've ever encountered. And I know real when I see real. Because I am the realest. Ask Danielle. I thought we were the only ones. Enter Mona, Lisa, and Blake. These girls know how to have fun. They were dressed up as fairies and adopted me because I was by myself. We went from drinking in a club where I kissed Abe Lincoln, to a party off of Riverside where they had the red dolls, to the near-empty frat house where we found Mallori, Jessica, and Brittney. Then I got tangled up in the front seat with a cute soldier in town from Fort Hood. When he opened the car door he was attacked out of nowhere by a really big guy. He pulled him out of the car and started kicking his ass. So I confront the agressor, knowing he could crush me, to try to divert his attention from hurting my cute soldier boy. He threatened me but I didn't back down. Thank god I'm a hard-ass. At least it gave my...man a chance to get up and defend himself. And if that fool would have hit me I would have laughed my ass off as I called the cops and watched him get arrested. It would have been my pleasure. I still have no idea what was going on or why that happened. Crazy random acts of violence. What we really needed was someone nearby to come pistolwhip that guy. Where is Yossarian when you need him?? Almost just as fast as it began it was over. Finally we all rested at the girls' house near campus. We did and saw it all tonight. In costume mind you. I have not slept. I don't want to miss anything. What's funny to me is that I would never have foreseen last night's events unfolding the way they did. Not in a million years. I guess you can't predict shit like that though. That's what life is all about, right? So I'm planning on going for it again tonight, as I have a tentative date with Abe Lincoln. You know his beard wasn't itchy at all. My poor soldier boy had to go back to Fort Hood. This time I will take some pictures of the "trick-or-treaters" on Sixth and try to upload them for ya'll. It's something everyone should experience at least once. But the best part is that, throughout the night I really connected with these girls. They are real. The realest. I feel like I have known them all my life; they are kindred spirits. I think I may have finally found a place to belong, and people to belong to...I am so happy!

I have a problem
with no solution
but to love...
and to be loved.


Happy Daylight Savings Time! Fall Back!

Jams for the Day: Method Acting by Bright Eyes and My Slumbering Heart by Rilo Kiley

Palm to Palm is Holy Palmer's Kiss

I have had the best Saturday afternoon ever. I mean it. I went shopping up Congress Avenue and found the fucking best store. It's called Goody Two Shoes. Then as I was window-shopping, a lady in a suit gave me a voucher for a free drink at Jo's. So I got an iced mocha. I love free stuff. The lady in the suit worked for Mercury and she and her counterparts were giving away vouchers for free stuff from the local shops and showing their new model, the 2006 Milan. So I paid for a poncho and a brooch from Goody Two Shoes, sipped my iced mocha, and went over to St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Shop, where I found some awesome shoes, and a grey Dior sweater for four dollars. You have never felt anything so soft as that sweater. On my way home, I passed a "health and wellness fair" outside a yoga studio. It was mostly holistic products and some interesting holistic services. There were even fortune tellers there--for spiritual well-being you see. They gave me a voucher for a free week of yoga or pilates classes. Cool. Then I walked by a high-end Spa that is right next to my building, and the Mercury people were giving away Aveda soaps and vouchers for free massages. I was on that shit like white on rice. My masseur was an attractive young man, and I was much overdo for a massage. And it was heavenly. So I don't think I will be bitching about needing a man for a while. I think Greg the Masseur got me over that hump. I just needed to feel a man's hands on me. And it's better this way because it's so innocent. I only wish he would have been more rough with me; he was very gentle. A gentleman. It was nice. I live for afternoons like this.

Blush minus B equals Lush

Oh man. I don't even remember writing that last post. I mean at all. I don't remember much after I poured my last drink with what was left of the alcohol, which happened to be everclear and cranberry juice. I guess that's what happens when you get to the party late. Needless to say, ONE was enough for me. There are some things I don't remember but see traces of this morning. I had so much fun last night. Thank god I'm not paying for it today. I hope I don't regret it tomorrow.

Jam for the day: Celebrity Skin by Hole

Squinty-Eye Blues

I went out tonight and had a great time. I love my new life. I don't need anyone but me. Screw everybody else. This is my life and I insist on reveling in it no matter what life thows my way. So there.

**raspberry"*

If I do say so myself...

I think I just wrote the best post ever. If ya'll knew anything about Blush, ya'lld understand. Yeah, I said it.

My Only Love sprung from My Only Hate

Tonight I went out with a girlfriend from high school. And college. Actually we came close to being sisters-in-law. Yes we dated brothers. Anyway, I hope we go shopping when I get paid. I am the typical girl...I love to shop. My mom hates to shop. So sometimes I do the Christmas shopping for the whole family...even myself. Have you ever done that? It's pretty awesome.

I have the house to myself for the first time in two years for the next couple of days. So I am relishing it, sittin' at the computer in my underwear. Enjoy it while it lasts. Ha.

I need to find something that consumes my mind. Something to take me there. Something that I cannot escape. Something to busy these idle hands. For they are the devil's playground.

Have you ever watched The Real World: Austin?? Have you seen where they live? It's only like, the hippest place in Texas. I live right down the street from there. Yeah. It's awesome.

I am 50% self-adoration and 50% self-hatred.

I love Kelly Clarkson. And ya know why?? Because she kept it real.

Fuck You.

Jam for the Day: Sunrise, Sunset by Bright Eyes

The Longest Game Ever

I just turned on the baseball game and it's tied in the bottom of the 11th. Holy shit! It looks like the Astros could pull this one out of their ass. I wish I were there. What a great ballgame. I remember going to Astros games (at the Astrodome) when I was little. We had really good seats. A nice man behind me gave me his cap, an old-school blue and orange Astros hat. I still have it too. This has been an exciting summer for Houston man. I am glad I was there for most of it. Now it is almost winter. I say almost winter because we really don't have an autumn. But it is kinda cold out at night now. I love it. All of the best times of my life were when the air smelled like it does now. And every day I fall further in love with my city. Today I went downtown and just walked around like I like to do. People kept staring at me from their cars and whatnot because I was having an unbelievable hair day. I am no traffic-stopper, but I have my moments. The guy in the pizzeria kept staring at me. I pretended not to notice, but I did. Then tonight at the bus stop I had a conversation in Spanish with a Guatemalan named Alexander. I hadn't spoken Spanish in a long time. But I held my own. I miss Spanish. I want to brush up on my Spanish and then learn Italian. Because I want to spend a year studying in Italy when I go back to A&M. Wouldn't that be the shit? That is my plan. I am thinking of joining the National Guard to get the money to go back to school. Is that a good idea? My dad thinks I wouldn't make it. But I don't know. What do ya'll think? I got a new nose stud today and I love it. I hadn't had it in in so long I didn't know if I'd still like it, but it's awesome. It's just the tiniest rhinestone. And I think it just finishes my face. Luckily we can wear them at my work. I have an awesome life. A year ago I would never have thought I'd actually be here. This is exactly where I want to be. And now that that I've got most everything I want for the moment, my mind has turned to other things, like men. I fucking hate that shit. I don't need a fucking man! But dammit I need a fucking man. I simply cannot do everything myself. This game is killing me. It's taking too long. I was trying to stall long enough to give you the results but fuck it. I'm going to bed.

Decision 2005

So today I took an expedition to the mall. It is a long way riding the bus. I went to go get a Halloween costume and a new bra. I found a flapper dress on sale. You know, the kind with all the fringe. It is black and has arm-length gloves. I got fishnet tights with the old-school seam down the back, black heels, a long beaded necklace, and a red and black feather boa to go with it. Now that I've tried it on I look more like Lady Marmalade than Daisy Buchanan, but it's sexy. I never dress sexy for Halloween. And believe everything you see on tv about the Victoria's Secret Ipex bra. It is the proverbial bomb. I could fight villains with my cleavage. I swear. But being around all that pretty lingerie made me miss wearing it. But we won't go there. Though I can't believe mentioning my sex life (or lack thereof) garnered so many comments yesterday. I feel so special. Some think I should go for it, and some think I should wait. Let's have a vote. And I will let you know how it turns out...how's that? It will be a fun experiment. I mean, I don't have anything else to do. I've been celibate for 18 months now and for what? The guys I like never end up liking me back. So what am I waiting for?? Maybe ya'll can remind me, because I am feeling a bit reckless. What I really need is a Sugar Daddy. But I also need everyone's vote by Friday because I might just be able to pick someone up wearing this outfit. So be sure to get your votes in because I will need to know whether or not to shave my legs! Haha!

Birth Control

Today I am wallowing in my femininity. I feel like shit. I mean I am sad. This tends to happen to some of us on a monthly basis. And I am feeling it. It's so weird, it's like I just fall into this shame spiral of eating and napping and wanting to cry all day. I want to hide in my bed under the covers. I'm afraid of everything. I think I need to get laid. Maybe that is what's wrong with me. But I just don't have the energy or the will to try. I just frown all day. My life is an odd mixture of the past and the present and it throws my senses into a tailspin. A man wearing his old cologne came into work the other day. I hate when shit like that happens...it's so irrelevant. I need to make some new memories. Take new pictures. Tell new stories. I don't wanna be alone anymore.

Restless

Tonight I took a walk in the crisp night air. Austin is the kind of town I would want to have long walks in with my lover. But tonight I was lonely. I could've walked for miles and stumbled for at least one more. But I didn't know where to go. I never know where to go. And I surely don't know how to get there. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. So I gave up. I just stopped at the store and bought a pack of cigarettes and started back home. In the end I was glad I did because I finally met Austin's infamous transvestite street-walker, Leslie, en route. He was wearing a spandex leotard with a coat and ballcap and he was carrying a cooler, headed toward 6th. I had only heard of him until tonight. He commented on the weather to me and we agreed that we had been waiting for this all summer. I turned around and watched him walk away. Then I looked up at the sky and smiled and breathed in the cool, dry air. My eyes got misty, but I never stopped walking.

Leslie Cochran
http://austintexas420.tripod.com/leslie-cochran/pictures.html

Jam for the Day: Smile Like You Mean It by The Killers

Aphrodisiac

Hooray! Jeff Gordon just won at Martinsville! 73rd career win. That's my boy! Watching him race is so hot. Nascar Sundays shouldn't be wasted alone in your apartment, if you know what I mean. There is something about the low roar and rhythm of the engines. It's so intense; passionate. Ahem. Anyway, I was thinking about doing my usual weekend sports wrap-up but nobody cares. On Friday night I got off work and went out with my cousin and his friends. I love Austin because I always meet interesting people here. Like one guy I met was a director, and has a movie showing at the Austin Film Festival this week. His girlfriend did the special effects. And I also met the owner of a club which made the strongest Cape Cods I've ever had. I got drunk on accident. Honest! It was the kind of drunk where you don't realize how drunk you really were until the next morning. But it was also the kind of drunk where you don't seem drunk. No I didnt do anything crazy. I just talked to people and had a good time. Not too long after I got home and changed into my pajamas, I heard yelling in the parking lot. So I (being drunk) went over there to see what was up and meet the neighbors. Well it was some boys about to fight over who was going to win the Tech game on Saturday. So I talked them out of fighting, and they listened to me because as an Aggie I am a neutral party. haha! But really I am happy that Texas won. Everyone hates Tech. They're the rejects of Texas. Ahem. I need some suggestions for a cheap, easy, clever Halloween costume. Every Halloween weekend on Sixth is like a freak parade of people in all kinds of costumes--some very elaborate. I usually go as Hester Prynne but I left my costume shit in Lufkin and I think it's too late to do anything. I have an extremely minimal budget for this and am having trouble thinking of something cool. Please advise!

I found a new hero today: Condoleezza Rice. She's so rad. I was watching C-SPAN this morning and I was just mesmerized by her discussion with whatever war committee. Plus, she's a black woman. She's doing more for women than Madonna ever dreamed of. I love how Bush has such a diverse cabinet. Say what you will about the man, but that was awesome of him. I think that's how it should be. That kind of shit speaks volumes. Speaking of volumes, I think your heroes speak volumes about you. I realized this while watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off this weekend. So I have compiled a list of my heroes for your analytical pleasure. (Jesus Christ notwithstanding)

Ferris Bueller
Two words: Danke Shon

Condi Rice
The first black woman Secrectary of State. She's smart as a whip and has a sense of humor, plus she seems really down to earth.

Zack Morris
Smooth-talking schemer. Most popular guy in school. Best friends with a total geek.

Carrie Bradshaw
Single female writer living the life in New York City. Fabulous clothes, fabulous parties, fabulous sex. Beautiful, but in her own way. Always conflicted about something.

Courtney Love
To quote Spin Magazine, "She's got the strongest ankles in rock n roll."

John Steinbeck
Literary god. Read East of Eden and you'll know what I mean.

Kevin Smith
Meaningful and crude at the same time. Also known as "Silent Bob."

Henri Matisse
Any man that could create a beautiful woman with just 35 lines must have been some kind of divinity.

Sam Houston
Outsmarted Santa Anna at San Jacinto and ultimately won Texas' Independence from Mexico. Owned a house shaped like a steamboat. Quit the governorship when Texas joined the Confederacy. Lived the rest of his life as an American-Indian and called himself "The Raven." Widely recognized as an eccentric.

Ann Curry
Asian-American journalist on the Today Show. She delivers the news with almost complete objectivity. She has the most beautiful skin and hair I've ever seen and holds herself with the utmost composure. Graceful and pretty.

Douglas Adams
Author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the most creative and exact social commentary ever written.

Scarlett O'Hara
Hardheaded bitch. The belle of the ball. The only girl in the county with a 17" waist. Legendary survivor.

Bree van de Kamp
Very polite but very cold bitch. Everything she does is perfect. I wouldn't fuck with Bree if I lived on Wisteria Lane.

Marshall McLuhan
Visionary. Way ahead of his time. Coined the phrase "global village" and predicted the rise of the internet Nostradamus-style. Read Understanding Media.

Penny Lane
The ultimate groupie. Ahem. Band-Aid. She was there because of the music. "Groupies" sleep with rock stars because they want to be near someone famous. She was the one who changed everything. She said "no more sex, no more exploiting our bodies and our hearts...just blow-jobs, and that's it."

Eric Cartman
Nobody makes mischief like Cartman.

Danielle
She's not afraid of anything. Except carnival rides.